


Not A Day Too Soon

by melissajade



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 09:52:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12814986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melissajade/pseuds/melissajade
Summary: Some would call it fate, others divine providence, but if it intervenes at just the right moment it can drastically alter the course of a person's life.  If Meredith had been more resistant to her mother's negative opinion of her and if she had met Derek before he was married to Addison or even engaged to her, it would have changed everything.





	1. Life Happens

**Author's Note:**

> I have been posting this story at FF.net but decided to share it with you all here as well.
> 
> When I first came up with this idea I wanted to see if it were actually theoretically possible for Meredith and Derek to cross paths when she was much younger. So I did a bit of research, some of my research came from an educated guess. I believe Meredith to be older than her intern class so she would have had to take time off as a result and I think her mother being ill and her indecisiveness, most likely stemming from her mother's negativity surrounding her, would have had alot to do with those gaps. Derek seemed to be an up-and-coming attending when he started at Seattle Grace, he'd been an attending for maybe no more than five years. So based on these musings and making Meredith a little more resistant to her mother's negativity I had estimated it was possible and had arrived at a 8 year age gap. I found out after I had posted that there is 12 years difference between the two, but regardless it's still possible for them to have met if Meredith had attended pre-med in New York.
> 
> And this is how this story came to be, I have borrowed the voiceovers in this chapter from the show, so all credit to Shonda and GA. Most chapters are beta'd, some aren't so all mistakes you do find are my own.
> 
> Please let me know what you think of the story thus far, I thrive on constructive criticism!

**Chapter One  
** _Life Happens_

" _In the eighth grade, my English class had to read Romeo and Juliet. Then, for extra credit, Mrs Snyder made us act out all the parts. Sal Scafarillo was Romeo. As fate would have it, I was Juliet. All the other girls were jealous. But I had a slightly different take."_

" _I told Mrs Snyder that Juliet was an idiot. For starters, she falls for the one guy she knows she can't have. Then she blames fate for her own bad decision. Mrs Snyder explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window."_

" _At the ripe old age of thirteen, I was very clear, that love, like life, is about making choices. and fate has nothing to do with it. Everyone thinks it's so romantic. Romeo and Juliet. True love. How sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink a bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum… she deserved whatever she got."_

Meredith meekly stared up at the cemented walls of the tall hospital building. People bustled by her, either heading into the hospital or out. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't intimidated by the large building before her. She was eighteen, in a new city, alone.

Alone was a concept she was familiar with, her life has been all about _alone_. This however, was a new level of alone, but she wasn't afraid of it, she was excited. She was only intimidated by the life before her, because she was just waiting for the other shoe to finally drop.

She took a deep breath and moved forward, reaching out to open the glass door of the hospital's front entrance. She entered the building, her eyes searching out the help desk and, upon spotting it, she quickly moved forward toward it, finding herself anxious to get started. She approached the nurse behind the desk, who looked up at her and smiled briefly, her face showing evident tiredness from a long shift. It's true what they say, that behind every physician is a tired and frantic nurse.

"Hi, welcome to New York Presbyterian Hospital, is there anything I can help you with?" The tired blonde-haired nurse greeted her kindly.

"Ah, yes. I'm looking for Nurse Lauren Wells, I'm the new LPN and I start today," Meredith replied, as she adjusted the bag on her shoulder. The nurse nodded, as she walked out from behind the counter and held her hand out to Meredith for her to shake.

"It's nice to meet you Meredith, I've been expecting you. I'm Lauren," she said, smiling good-naturedly, but Meredith could tell she was scrutinizing her, obviously thinking that she was awfully young.

"Oh, hi," Meredith replied, shaking her hand.

"So, the Chief mentioned you were young, but he didn't mention _how_ young. You can't be any older than twenty," Lauren stated casually as she gestured for Meredith to follow her.

"Actually, I'm eighteen," Meredith offered, a little awkwardly, hoping that people wouldn't judge her as incompetent just based on her age.

"Eighteen? You must be close to nineteen then, it takes a year to get an LPN," Lauren replied, a frown crossing her face.

"My high school had a LPN program so I did it during my senior year and took the test as soon as I was eighteen," Meredith explained, her voice slightly defensive.

"Oh, I've heard of that, you must be keen to become an RN then," Lauren chuckled.

"Actually, no," Meredith replied, as Lauren led them into what appeared to be the nurses’ locker room.

"No?" Lauren asked, now confused as she turned around to face her.

"I'm studying to be a doctor, and I just thought…you know it would be beneficial to work in the same field…for experience and such," Meredith explained, finding herself rambling a little.

"Oh, well a lot of nurses do the same thing while they are studying for their RN, so it makes sense. What field are you thinking of specializing in?" Lauren replied, nodding in understanding.

"Surgery," Meredith answered automatically.

"Nice," Lauren offered. "Ok, so this is the locker room, yours is the one on the far right, and this is your combination. There are scrubs in your locker, get dressed and I will take you for a tour and show you the ropes."

Meredith nodded and moved to her locker. She quickly opened it and grabbed her light green scrubs, then went to the bathroom to change. She stripped quickly, and pulled the scrubs on, she exited and threw her clothes and belongings in her new locker. She tied her golden hair into a ponytail and turned to face Lauren, waiting for further instruction. "Ok, so I am the Charge Nurse, which means that, for all intents and purposes, I am your immediate boss, since I’m in charge of all the nurses within the surgery department of this hospital. I basically have one rule, if you do your job quickly, efficiently and at a high standard, we will get on fabulously. However do the opposite and you will get to meet my nasty side, and believe me, I actually have one, and let's just say, she's no ray of sunshine," Lauren quickly explained, her southern accent accentuating the more she spoke, as she picked up a clipboard from the nurses station and nodded to several of the nurses, doctors and orderlies.

Meredith simply nodded as she continued to follow Lauren as she made her rounds around the surgery wing.

"Basically, as an LPN you can do pretty much everything an RN does but under the direct supervision of either myself, another RN or a doctor. By direct supervision I don't mean we need to be standing in the room with you, except for when you are administering medications, you just need to report to us. Are we clear?" Lauren turned to regard her, eyeing the young nurse before her in scrutiny, wondering if Meredith had what it took. Meredith straightened up and her expression hardened in determination. Lauren was taken aback. _'Hmmm, tough little thing.'_ She thought.

"All I need to know is where everything is. I am ready, I've been ready since I was eight years old," Meredith answered confidently. She was rising to the challenge, all previous reservations gone. She was _born_ for this after all.

"Well alright then, supplies are over there." Lauren responded nodding and raising an eyebrow at the determined young girl before her as she pointed to the supply closet. "Charts are at the nurses station we just passed, I want you to do rounds on all rooms on this floor. Monitor the patient's vitals, take blood pressure and all the other routine procedures. Any inconsistencies that show up that are emergent, page the surgeon on the case. Once you are done report back to me, ok?" Lauren ordered, putting her hand on her hip casually. "Let's see what you are made of Grey," she grinned, before turning and walking away.

Meredith moved to the nurses' station and gathered up the charts for the floor and got straight to work.  She was determined to do her best and soak up the experience as if a sponge as she knew her time as a nurse would only further her experience and knowledge as a doctor in the future.

/ / /

Richard led the newest group of bright-faced, surgery hungry interns into the OR.  He turned around and faced them, regarding each and every face of the men and women before him, trying to ascertain the standouts, the underdogs, and the inbred.

"Each of you comes here today hopeful, wanting in on the game. A month ago you were in med school being _taught_ by doctors. Today _you_ are the doctors. The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you, say hello to your competition. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty, five of you will crack under the pressure, two of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line, this is your arena. How well you play…that's up to you."

Richard gave his well-rehearsed speech to yet another group of interns.  For four years he had given this same speech to every group of new interns. This was _supposed_ to be the Chief's job, but Ginsberg always palmed it off to him. She would say to him that _You have better people skills Richard, you inspire them._ But the truth is, and you would _never_ catch Nora Ginsberg admitting this, she thought interns were beneath her. Irony is, they have all been interns at some point.

Dr. Nora Ginsberg – a filthy hypocrite, not exactly news to him.

/ / /

 

Derek, Addison, Mark, Naomi and Sam stared around the OR they were in, each excited, and yet equally terrified. All their hard work in college and med school had led them here today. This is where it all began; Derek could feel it in every fibre of his being. He followed his friends as Dr. Webber led them out of the OR and back down to the intern locker room.

Richard nodded at the raven-haired Latina resident who was tapping her foot and waiting impatiently for her new bunch of idiotic interns. Dr. Gabriella Rodriguez was a force to be reckoned with, she was beautiful but petite and to the outsider she didn't pose much of a challenge, but as they say, looks can be _very_ deceiving; and not to mention, it's the tiny ones you should watch closely..

"Alright, let's get this show on the road I don't have all day, so listen up!" she called over the inane chatter of the interns. Her voice,  her stance, and her aura commanded respect, and immediately silenced them all.

"Hopkins, Gregory, Bennett -  the male one - Montgomery. You are with Dr. Morrison," she called, reading their names from her clipboard and pointing them to their resident. "Mostow, the other Bennett, Feldman, Steiner. You are with Dr. Nalder," she called over the noise of the scuffling residents.

Dr. Nalder raised her hand so her interns could find her. Addison shot an apologetic look at Naomi; who just shrugged as if to say _it's not the end of the world_ , since Addison and Naomi had hoped to be assigned in the same group as one another.

"Sloan, Shepherd, Morgansen, Hayes. You are with Dr. Manning." Dr. Rodriquez called and pointed them to a burly third year resident.

"Damn it, I was hoping he'd be a chick," Mark cursed as they made their way over toward Dr. Manning.

"Why does the gender of our resident matter, exactly?" Derek quipped at him.

"I was hoping I could show her the…you know….'Sloan Method,' and get a surgery or two," he responded smoothly, wiggling his eyebrows. Derek groaned.

"Do you _ever_ think about _anything_ other than sex?" Derek teased him, shaking his head.

"No," Mark answered automatically. Derek rolled his eyes. "What?" Mark asked, not understanding what could _possibly_ be wrong with always having sex on the brain.

"You know, sometimes I wonder if all that anonymous vagina has somehow inflicted you with permanent brain damage." he mocked Mark, mercilessly.

"Well, at least I'm not pussy whipped by one woman," Mark retorted.

"I am not pussy whipped! And even if I was, at least I'm not a potential walking STD," Derek retorted back.

"I may sleep with a lot of women Derek, but I ain't stupid. No glove, no love, so to speak. Speaking of pussy whipping, though, Addison asked me to encourage you to hurry up and propose. She wants a ring on her finger, man," Mark told him, cringing slightly. Marriage and commitment were like two very foul words for him.

"We're not there yet," Derek said matter-of-factly as their resident gestured them to follow him.

"She seems to think you are," Mark deadpanned.

"Fine, _I'm_ not there yet," Derek conceded, defensively.

"You have been dating her for almost four years, how are you _not_ there yet?" Mark whispered to Derek. Derek simply ignored him and paid attention to his resident.

"You are interns, you have no authority, you don't whine and you work every single hour of your shift until you drop. I expect you to perform the task I assign you diligently, because your failures become mine and _I_ don't like to fail. Do your job right the first time and don't piss me off." Manning growled at his residents.

The group all nodded or murmured that they understood.

"Sloan, you are on sutures. Morgansen, I want you writing discharges," Manning ordered, Mark threw one knowing look at Derek before hurrying off. "Hayes, charts," Manning growled as he thrust a stack of charts into Natalie's flustered hands. "Shepherd, you are with me."

Derek knew of this guy, Kathleen and Nancy had mentioned him a few times and _not_ in the politest of terms either; both of his sisters thought he was a first-class jackass.

"This is Katherine Wagner, involved in a head on collision, she presented with massive internal bleeding from a trauma to the abdomen. I operated on her late last night, I spent eight hours in the OR saving her life, and I want her to stay alive, you will vigilantly monitor her and you will page me if there are any issues, got it?" Manning challenged him as he thrust the patient’s chart into Derek's hands.

"Yes, sir," Derek responded, being careful to not allow the disdain for his resident creep into his voice.

Manning took one last scrutinizing look and turned and walked away.

"Moron." Derek cursed under his breath.

"Calling your resident a moron, probably not the smartest move." He heard a teasing voice from behind him and turned to see an attractive, young, honey-haired nurse raising an amused eyebrow at him. “You are lucky he didn't hear you." She smirked wryly as she entered Mrs Wagner's room. She pulled her stethoscope from around her neck and listened to her heartbeat.

Derek found her enchanting. He entered the room and watched the nurse work, since _technically_ she was already doing the job that Manning had assigned him.

"Are you just going to stand there and watch?" She asked as she noted down the patient’s heart rate on the clipboard.

"Dr. Manning assigned me to monitor her vitals, and you are already doing that," Derek offered as he held his hand out for the clipboard so he could take a look at what she had written.

"Huh," she shrugged, taken aback, then she chuckled. "Your resident assigned you a nurse's’ job, you must be some intern, eh?" she giggled, shaking her head as she checked the patient’s IV.

"Hey, I resent that, I _am_ good," Derek retorted back at her, grinning.

"Oh, ok…sure," She teased him.

"Manning is a moron," Derek defended. She rolled her eyes at him and placed a hand on her hip.

"I thought we just established it _wasn't_ a good idea to call your resident a moron," She joked sarcastically. "You know, pissing off your resident is right up there with pissing off the nurses. Both are a bad move," She said knowingly.

"True, and I like nurses, without you us doctors would be screwed. But it just so happens that I really _do_ know that Manning is a moron. My two older sisters work here."

"Oh, I'm not debating he _isn't_ a moron, that much is clear, I'm just saying, don't let him hear you say that," She replied. She had heard Manning bark at them earlier, and being the daughter of Ellis Grey meant that Meredith had spent a good amount of time in the hospital to be able to tell which doctors are _actually_ morons, and Manning was definitely one of them.

"Dr. Derek Shepherd," he introduced himself, holding out his hand. She took his hand with a good-natured smile and shook it.

"Meredith Grey." She introduced herself back.

"Grey, huh. Are you-" he began before she cut him off.

"Related to Ellis Grey. Yes, she is my mother," she finished his question with a roll of the eyes and a bored tone.

"Ah, you get asked that a lot, sorry."

Meredith just shrugged it off and began changing Mrs Wagner's IV, since there seemed to be some irritation.

"So question is, what is the child of a surgical great doing as a nurse? You'd think you'd follow in your mom's footsteps," Derek asked her as he shut the chart and placed his pen into his lab coat front pocket.

"Oh…I am becoming a doctor…a surgeon to be exact…it's just, I wanted to work at the hospital while I went to college and my ah, my high school offered a LPN program…so, you know I did it," Meredith rambled as she explained.

"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense," Derek agreed, but he still couldn't quite understand why someone like Meredith would need to work while she was in college. Surely her mother would pay for everything, why would she need to work? Then it dawned on him that she must be really passionate about medicine and he found that quite admirable. "So what year of college are you in?" He asked, quite interested in the beautiful blonde.

"It will be my first year. I start in a couple of weeks at Columbia," Meredith answered as she focused on inserting a new IV into Mrs Wagner.

"Columbia, huh, I went there for med school; great college. So you’re eighteen? Nineteen?" he quizzed further, feeling this urge to know as much as he could about her.

"You're awfully curious," she smirked wryly. "I'm eighteen," she finally answered as she reconnected the IV fluids.

She was just about to leave when the alarms on the monitors went off. Derek noticed that the patient’s heart rate was going through the roof then it bottomed out.

"V-Fib." Meredith recognized immediately what was happening and she pushed the blue button on the wall behind the patient and she heard the PA system kick in straight away.

_'Code blue, fourth floor; code blue, fourth floor.'_

Derek rolled Mrs. Wagner to her side, waiting for Meredith to position the backboard, before he began the compressions.  Meredith put an ambu bag over the patient's mouth and began pressing the bag in even pulses to give her oxygen. The code team burst into the room with the crash cart. Derek continued compressions. Lauren manned the crash cart, she put gel on the paddles and handed them to Derek, who rubbed them together before placing them on Mrs Wagner's chest.

"Charge to 200," he ordered. "Clear."

Meredith pulled the ambu bag away as Derek sent a jolt of electricity through. Meredith glanced up at the monitor as she continued to give oxygen to the patient with the ambu-bag.

"No change." Meredith acknowledged.

"Page Dr. Manning," Derek called over his shoulder. "Let's push a round of Epi and charge to 260."

Meredith motioned for another nurse beside her to take over the ambu-bag and  then she grabbed the Epi and pushed it.

"Clear!" Derek called.

"Still no change," Lauren stated.

"Up to 360," Derek called. Lauren charged immediately. "Clear!"

"Nothing." Meredith shook her head.

"Damn it, Mrs Wagner! Charge again!" Derek ordered. Lauren charged. "Clear!" he shouted, agitated and angry, not wanting to lose a patient on his first day as an intern.

"No change," Meredith said again as Derek continued compressions.  Manning finally burst into the room.

"What the hell happened?" he growled to Derek.

"She just flat-lined. Her stats were fine; she was stable and then she wasn't," Derek explained in a flurry.

"I've got it, just go!" Manning dismissed him.

Derek shuffled out of the room dejectedly. He knew what was going to happen next and heard it over his shoulder as he walked out of the room.

"Time of death: 8:42 AM."

Derek felt helpless, a death on his very first day as an intern.

Meredith watched Derek's dejected form and felt the urge to follow him, but she was stopped by Lauren.

"You did good in there, Grey," she smiled.

"The patient is dead," Meredith responded, sighing.

"Yes, but you handled the situation very well; you were calm, you had it together. Look, I don't know a lot about being a doctor because I'm a nurse, but if you _were_ becoming a RN, you'd make a good one, so I think that says a lot about how good of a surgeon you will be," she nodded, smiling.

"Thanks," Meredith smiled, feeling humbled by her boss’ kind words.

"Go take a thirty minute break, get yourself a coffee, you've earned it," Lauren grinned, giving her a wink before walking away to attend to her other duties for the day.

Meredith grinned to herself and made her way down to the lobby coffee cart.

"Mocha Latte, please," she asked the barista.

"Coming right up." The barista smiled as she took Meredith's money.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Derek sitting on a bench outside the hospital.

"Here you go."

The barista jolted her out of her stare. Meredith turned and took the hot beverage from her.

"Thanks," she said gratefully and headed out of the hospital walking toward Derek.

He looked up at her as he noticed her presence and offered Meredith a weak smile and she offered one back while she sat down beside him. Neither spoke for a few minutes.

"Her heart arrested twice in surgery, there was a lot of damage. You did everything right, there was nothing you could have done more," Meredith tried to console him; she could tell he was beating himself up over it. The truth is, in the same situation Meredith would do the same.

"You know, I wish I wanted to be a postal worker, I'm reliable," Derek sighed.

Meredith chuckled, understanding completely. She knew the hard road ahead of her.

"You know, my mom goes around bragging that I am a surgeon, like it’s this big, massive accomplishment or something -- which is weird because my two older sisters are doctors, one of my younger sisters is in med school about to become a doctor and my little sister is in college for pre-med, maybe she'll become one too, -- but she really brags about me. Maybe it’s because I'm the only boy, but she brags like I'm some kind of  superhero or something. If _only_ she could see me now."

Meredith shifted her body so she was slightly facing him, envious. She _wished_ she had his kind of mother.

"When I told my mother I wanted to be a surgeon, she tried to talk me out of it. She said I didn't have what it took, that I'd _never_ make it. So, from where I stand, superhero sounds pretty damn good," Meredith offered with a smile.

"I'll survive this, right?" Derek asked her, as he turned his head so he was looking at her directly.

"Believing that we survive is what _makes_ us survive Derek." Meredith answered with a silent promise, that _yes, you'll be ok_.

Derek's expression changed into an analytical one. Just when he feels he has Meredith worked out, she surprises him further.

"You are eighteen years old, you should be more concerned with…I don't know, the color of your _nails_. How did you get to be so wise?" he asked in wonderment.

"Life happened, and…uh…sometimes you find yourself growing up, I don't know, faster than you should _ever_ have to," she explained in a ramble. Her ramble had quickly become his favorite thing about this girl.

"Yeah, yeah, that's something I understand too," Derek murmured. He remembered when his father had died, and suddenly he became the man of the house.

"It changes a person," Meredith murmured in agreement.

Derek noticed a sadness in her beautiful blue-green eyes, and he felt himself aching to take her into his arms and hold her. He could tell just by looking into her eyes that whatever had made her grow up so fast, was something dark and painful.

He felt something shift inside him, because he felt she understood him in a way no one outside his own family could, and somehow, without a shadow of a doubt, he _knew_ that life as he knew it would _never_ be the same.

_"Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while. And then their time passed. If they could have known that beforehand, maybe it all would have been okay."_

_"I told Mrs Snyder that when I was grown up, I'd take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down. Mrs Snyder said I'd be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone. And that if I did, we'd be together forever."_

_"Even now, I believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending, most of the time. And that sometimes, despite all your best choices, and all your best intentions, fate wins anyway."_


	2. Gravity

**Chapter Two**  
_Gravity_

_“I wasn’t raised with a silver spoon in my mouth…well that’s not to say I didn’t have the silver spoon, I do come from money. I lived in the nice house, had an allowance and a trust fund, but I was never doted upon. Better put, I was ignored. So from a young age I knew that if you wanted something bad enough, you had to be willing to fight for it. If you are going to sit there and wait for some mystical, fate-like opportunity, to come to you, you’re probably going to end up disappointed. After all only we are the masters of our own destiny.”_

_Two Months Earlier_

Acceptance letters laid before her, one from Dartmouth, another from Harvard and countless others, but there was only one that Meredith was focused on.  Columbia.  She tapped her fingers impatiently on the kitchen table, waiting for her mother to come home.  She knew from a decade long of experience that her mother was never home on time, if _ever_.  The hospital was her family, Meredith was just the inconvenience on the side or at least that’s how Ellis made her feel.

The front door slammed, jarring Meredith from her thoughts.  She heard the clicking of heels on the tiled floors of the foyer.  Any minute now she knew she would have to face her mother.

Ellis hung up her jacket in the closet; weary from the forty-eight hours she had been on call, saving lives and losing some.  She had fought for eight hours in the OR to save the life of a drunken driver.   _Stupid fool._  She inwardly cursed; he had died on her table.  She wanted to save him just so he would have to live with the fact that his idiotic actions had cost a family their lives.

She slipped off her heels and made her way into the kitchen and halted at the sight of her daughter sitting quietly, staring at a whole heap of letters before her.  She knew what they were; after all she had listened all day to Carrington bragging about his son getting into Harvard.  Ellis had called Dartmouth earlier in the day to ensure that Meredith had been accepted; truthfully Ellis believed that nobody would take her.  It was no secret to Meredith that her mother believed she was unfocused and lacked discipline.

“You got into Dartmouth.”  Ellis broke the silence, speaking matter-of-factly.

“Yes, I did. I also got accepted to Harvard and Columbia.”  She responded meekly, a ghost of a smile playing at her lips.  She _knew_ this would surprise her.  But it didn’t, it was like Ellis wasn’t even listening.

“Well obviously you accepted the Dartmouth off-”

“I don’t _want_ to go to Dartmouth!”  Meredith protested, cutting her mother off.

“Excuse me?”  She turned to her, scoffing.

“I want to go to Columbia.”  Meredith affirmed, meeting her mother’s glaring eyes for the first time, challenging her.

“And _why_ on earth would you do that! Dartmouth is an incredible university Meredith, you are lucky you even got accepted!”  Ellis shouted at her incredulously.

“No I am _not_ lucky, I worked my ass off, which _you_ would know if you actually bothered to notice!”  Meredith shot back angrily.

“My job keeps me busy, I save lives Meredith, my work is what is important, it is what puts food on your _ungrateful_ plate. My work is what _matters_. So excuse me if I don’t have the time to keep up with your life, or coddle you like a pathetic child.”  Ellis growled at her.  Meredith sucked in a breath, her words were like bullets.  It was no different to anything she had said to her before.  But it doesn’t mean that it hurts her any less.

“So what, if you _weren’t_ a surgeon you would pay attention to me!?”  Meredith argued back in contempt.  Her blue-green eyes shooting daggers of accusation to her mother.  Ellis was taken aback, lost for words.  She had no way to respond.  Meredith scoffed at her mother’s _sudden_ speechlessness.  “ _Exactly_. It wouldn’t be _any_ different. Just admit it _mother_ you _never_ wanted me. You have absolutely _no_ interest in being my mother, you never did, and now it’s too late and you are stuck with me!”  She cried out to her, tears threatening to spill from her eyes, but she held them back, not wanting to cry in her presence.

“You are being ridiculous Meredith, if I didn’t want you I would have let your fool of a father take you with him!”  Ellis denied swiftly.  Meredith rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, right. You have a funny way of showing it.”  Meredith frowned at her, not believing her at all.

“Look.”  Ellis sighed, as she sat down in the chair at the opposite end of the table.  “Dartmouth is a good university for you, if you-”

“ _Why_ is it a good university for _me_ , as opposite to a good university?”  Meredith frowned, as she lent back in her chair.  Ellis just rolled her eyes at her, thinking Meredith was just being completely unreasonable and ridiculous.  It suddenly dawned on Meredith. “You want me to go there because _you_ went there and because you have contacts, so that if lord forbid I embarrass you in some way and tarnish your precious name you can _‘control the narrative.’_ ”  She accused Ellis, standing up from her chair angrily.

“You are being ridiculous Meredith. Dartmouth is a _far_ superior university than Columbia and I won’t pay for you to go to a less than exemplary university!”  Ellis argued, putting her foot down.

“I don’t _want_ to go to Dartmouth. I don’t want to go somewhere _you_ went so I can be squashed by your suffocating legacy! I want to stand on my own two feet and prove that I am _so_ much more than the daughter of Ellis Grey. I want to be _great_ , I want to be an extraordinary surgeon and _I_ want to do that without you overshadowing me!”  Meredith ranted, exasperated.

“You don’t have what it takes to _be_ a surgeon Meredith, you’ll _never_ make it. You are too unfocused and-”

“Ordinary, yeah got it.”  Meredith cut her off sarcastically.  “ _You_ may not think that I have what it takes, but I know _I_ do, so please, I’ve never asked you for anything, just please let me have the opportunity to try and do it on my own terms?”  Meredith pleaded.  She wanted this, she wanted this so bad.  Ellis stared at her fiercely determined daughter and smiled inwardly. _Perhaps she does_. She thought to herself.  Ellis sighed deeply.

“Fine.”  She conceded.  She was by no means happy about it.

“Fine.”  Meredith repeated, not quite believing she was actually giving way to her demands.  Truthfully, Meredith was waiting for her mother to basically disown her, and cut her off if she _dared_ to defy her.

“You can go, and I _will_ pay for your education as originally planned, but I _won’t_ pay for your lifestyle, Meredith.”  Ellis conceded, still not overly happy with the idea.

“Lifestyle?”  Meredith asked, confused.

“I’ll pay for your education but I _won’t_ pay for your living expenses. You want to move to New York, and attend Columbia you need to get a job, find your own apartment, and pay your own rent and your food expenses. But I’m warning you Meredith, if you screw this up, I will cut you off entirely.”  Ellis warned before getting up and walking out of the room without another word.

/ / /

_Present Day_

Derek and Addison were sitting at a small dinner table in a five-star Italian restaurant.  Addison was babbling on animatedly about something and Derek was…somewhat preoccupied.  All he could see was Addison’s mouth moving, but all he heard was white noise.

He couldn’t focus, because all he could think about was _her_ and he knew that was wrong, since he was _very_ much in a committed relationship.  Derek wasn’t an unfaithful person, it went against all his beliefs to _be_ that guy, but he felt that way just by the very omission of his own thoughts that he was cheating on Addison.

“Derek?!”  Addison asked, jerking him out of his reverie.

“What?”  Derek responded, feeling a little guilty for not paying attention to his girlfriend.

“Did you hear a word I just said?”  She asked crossing her arms in front of her, quite put out at Derek’s lack of attention tonight.

“Uhhh…Sorry Addie, I’m just tired,” he mumbled, apologetically.  “Actually are you almost done, I can barely think straight I’m so exhausted.”  He lied almost effortlessly.  That bothered him, just how easily he could lie to his girlfriend like that.

“Ahh, sure. Are you ok?”  She asked, concerned.  Addison was tired, but she was still with it.

“Yeah I’m fine, just didn’t sleep well in the on-call room last night.”  He placated her.

“Yeah, those beds are awful, mines better, want to go back to my place?”  She asked, smirking wryly.

“Maybe another time, I think I just need a night alone in my own bed.”  He smiled.  Addison was taken aback, winded by the sudden rejection.  This was a first.  “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”  He murmured placing some bills to pay for their meal and stood up holding his hand out to her.  Addison took it, albeit in dazed confusion as she tried to understand Derek’s strange behavior tonight.

She could hear it in the back of her mind that something had changed for him, but she quickly pushed it away and smiled up at him as he led her to his car.

/ / /

Meredith was late.  She was _so_ late, she had overslept.  Between her shifts at New York Presbyterian and now college on top she was definitely feeling the pressure and it was only week one.

So she shuffled as fast as she could with her book bag swinging beside her as she navigated through the Columbia campus to her lecture.  She sighed in relief as she found the lecture hall and quietly opened the door tip-toeing in.  The lecture had already begun, but thankfully her Professor didn’t acknowledge her, he just kept talking.  She scanned the room for a spare seat as she climbed the stairs.  A blue-eyed, raven-haired girl, offered a small friendly smile and moved her book bag off the seat next to her for her to sit down.  Meredith smiled gratefully back at her and sat down, quickly rifling through her bag to bring out a pen and a notebook.

“Don’t worry, I was late too,” the raven-haired girl leant toward her, whispering.  “I’m Amelia.”  She murmured, holding out her hand for Meredith to shake.

“Meredith,” Meredith responded, shaking Amelia’s proffered hand.  “So what did I miss?”  Meredith quietly whispered.

“Nothing much, he’s mostly been going on and on about his boring career…like anyone _really_ cares he published an important research paper ten years ago,” Amelia responded, obviously bored.  “On the upside, he’s mildly entertaining, I mean look at him,” she gestured with her hand to him down on the podium and Meredith immediately suppressed a giggle.  He was so _awkward._  “I don’t think he _knows_ how much of a parody he is to himself.”  Amelia quietly giggled.  Meredith shook her head in amusement as they both watched him drop the notes he had in his hand and then as he fumbled trying to pick them all up.  Everyone around them was trying not to laugh.

“I don’t think he’s _ever_ been laid.”  Meredith’s eyes brimmed with amusement.  Amelia snorted in response before they both sat back and tried to concentrate on what the poor guy was saying.

Meredith’s page remained blank, Fordson hadn’t told Meredith anything she didn’t already know, the lecture was a waste of time for her…well not completely, as Amelia had proven to be quite entertaining.  But still, she was relieved when it was over.

“Hey, you want to get a coffee with me?”  Amelia asked as they filed out of the lecture hall.

“Sure, I could use the caffeine.”  Meredith agreed gratefully as they walked outside toward the coffee cart stationed in the courtyard.

“So, I’m assuming you are pre-med right?”  Amelia asked, making conversation.

“Yeah, you?”  She responded.

“Yeah, surgery, what area are you hoping to get into?”  She passionately answered, Meredith smiled inwardly, it was nice to know someone who shared the same level of passion she had.

“There are other specialties?”  Meredith responded seriously, raising an eyebrow before smirking.  “I’m not going to spend eight years of my life getting my MD then residency, only to become a Doctor who puts band-aids on morons who don’t have the _balls_ to get _real_ injuries.”  She said sarcastically.  Amelia chuckled.

“Agreed,” Amelia smirked, agreeing.  “Although, I think my brothers and sisters don’t think I can do it.”  Amelia murmured, suddenly becoming very serious.  Meredith could detect the pain in her voice.  She knew how it felt to have a family member doubt you.

“Why?”   Meredith asked as she turned to the coffee attendant.  “Latte?”  Meredith asked Amelia.  Amelia simply nodded and sat down at the chair situated under a tree a few paces away from her.  “Two lattes please.”  She asked, paying the Barista.  She glanced over her shoulder and saw Amelia staring blankly at nothing in particular.

“Here you go.”  The Barista smiled warmly at Meredith and handed her the steaming coffees.  Meredith smiled in return and went to join Amelia.  She handed her one, and she smiled up at Meredith gratefully.

“I’m the black sheep of the family,” Amelia began to explain without any prompting from Meredith.  “I got into some trouble after my Dad died. Drugs, prescription mostly, and ever since then, it just _feels_ like they are waiting for me to screw it all up.”  She explained.  “I guess in a way it makes me fight harder to prove them wrong.”  She shrugs, brightening up again, as if saying that made her realize again not to let it get to her.

“I get that, it’s the same with my mother.”  Meredith responded turning toward her, as she took a sip of her coffee.

“Is she a surgeon?”  Amelia inquired.

“Yes, she’s _the_ surgeon.”  Meredith responded dryly.  Confusion swept across Amelia’s face, not quite understanding what Meredith actually meant.

“What do you mean?”  She asked.

“My mother is Ellis Grey.”  Meredith said, distaste creeping into her tone.  Amelia was immediately taken aback.  She wasn’t expecting that.

“Wow, talk about pressure!”  She answered, exasperated, and awe struck.

“You have no idea.”  Meredith muttered.  She expected the flow of questions to come, but they didn’t.

“I have three older sisters and an older brother. My two eldest sisters are doctors, Nancy is an OB/GYN and Kathleen is a psychiatrist. My other sister Lizzie is in her second year of med school and my brother Derek is a first year surgical intern at New York Pres.”  Amelia said, launching into explaining the dynamics of her family.  The description of her brother Derek resonated with the Derek she _knew_.

“Is your last name Shepherd?”  Meredith asked.  _How coincidental_. She thought.

“Yeah, how did you know that?”  A frown crossed her features as she remembered she had not introduced herself to Meredith with her surname.

“I think I know your brother, I work at New York Pres as a nurse. I met him on his and my first day.”  Meredith explained.  Amelia grinned in wonderment.

“Black messy hair, blue eyes, tall, goes out with a red-headed intern named Addison.”  Describing her brother and Meredith nodded at each point.  “Wow, small world!”  She laughed.  “Wait you’re a nurse, how did you manage that?”  She grilled her for details.

“My high school offered an LPN program and I thought it would be kind of cool to work in a hospital while I complete college and med school.”  Meredith shrugged noncommittally.

“Wow, talk about dedication.”  She nudged Meredith, her head still reeling from the fact that she knew her brother.

“Or plain stupidity, I’m exhausted!”  Meredith groaned.

“Practice for being an intern.”  Amelia pointed out.  

“True.”  She conceded.

“So, a couple of friends and I are going to a party at one of the dorms on Friday night, you should come with me if your are not working.”  Amelia said as she wrote her cell number on a piece of paper and handed it to Meredith.

“I’m working during the day, but sure, yeah I’m up for it.”  She shrugged, a night out of dancing and a bottle of Jose Cuero sounded good to her.  She scribbled down her own cell number and handed it to her.

“Awesome, I’ll text you later in the week the address when I know,” she said pulling her book bag over her shoulder.  “I gotta go, promised Ma I’d have dinner with her tonight, say hello to my jerk of a brother for me, you’ll probably see him before I ever do.”  She grinned giving Meredith a wink as she retreated toward the car park.

Meredith thought she had spunk, she was as dark and twisted as she was and that was comforting to her.

/ / /

That night alone so he could sleep…that didn’t exactly happen.  Derek had tossed and turned all night, he’d never been so unsure in his _entire_ life.  He had _always_ been the most decisive in his family, the _most_ responsible, and honorable even.  But this…this he couldn’t figure out.

He raked a hand through his hair in frustration as he lent against the back of the vacant elevator.  He heard a ping, announcing the arrival of the elevator to a floor, then the doors opened, he glanced up and noticed it was a nurse by the colour of her scrubs, his eyes then trailed up to her face...and it was like his breath left him.  It was Meredith.  She wasn’t paying attention, her back to him, staring down at her phone and fiddling with it.

“Hey.”  Derek murmured in greeting.  Meredith glanced behind her at Derek and her face broke into a friendly smile.

“Hi.”  She greeted back, before turning back toward the elevator doors, she glanced up and watched the lights signaling the elevator passing each floor.

“So…?”  Derek drawled, a smirk on his face.  He felt _almost_ better in her presence, like there was this light switch inside him that only turned on when she was in the room.

“So…I…ah, met your sister yesterday.”  Meredith offered, leaning up against the back of the elevator beside him.

“Really, which one?”  He asked, mildly surprised at her proclamation.  

“Amelia. We had a class together.”  She answered, she couldn’t take the grin off her face.

“You did.”  He stated wryly, as the ping of the elevator sounded and the doors opened.

“I did.”  She said, cocking her head to the side before pushing off the wall of the elevator heading out the door, she then stopped abruptly and turned back.  “Oh, she told me to tell _you_ , _hi._ In fact her _exact_ words were _Say hello to my jerk of a brother for me, you’ll probably see him before I ever do._ ”  She winked, before turning and walking away.  

Derek chuckled, shaking his head and walking out of the elevator, and heading in the opposite direction.  Spotting Mark sitting behind the nurse’s station he headed toward him.

“Morning.”  Derek greeted as he grabbed Mr Folger’s chart from the rack.  Mark just raised his eyebrows in response.

“So…who’s the hot nurse?”  Mark drawled.

“Don’t even go there, she’s _way_ out of your league.”  Derek responded dryly.

“Why do _you_ care?”  Mark responded, noticing Derek was _almost_ defensive.

“I don’t, she’s just one of my sister’s friends and you are _not_ going to sleep with one of Amy’s friends.”  Derek warned him.

“Since when has that stopped me?”  Mark teased, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Stay away from her!”  Derek snapped at him, fury raging like a fire within the depths of his body.

“Woah dude, chill, I _won’t_ do anything.”  Mark said warily, putting his hands up in defense.

“ _Don’t_ do anything!”  Derek warned one last time before turning on his heel and heading toward Mr Folger’s room leaving a stunned Mark behind.

/ / /

Meredith hauled her tired body onto a bed down in the basement.  This had become her hiding place; whenever she needed a moment to herself during breaks it had proved to be very peaceful.  Today, however, she was eating her salad on her lunch break while trying to study for her weekly quiz for Fordson’s class.

She felt the bed dip beside her and the sound of the squeaky springs of the mattress.  She turned her head to find Derek beside her.

“And here I thought I was the only one who _knew_ about this place.”  Derek murmured, tiredly.

“Me too.”  Meredith agreed.  She noticed he looked very distracted.  “You ok?”  She asked, concern lacing her voice.

“Mmm…Yeah…I don’t know.”  Derek groaned as he slumped against the wall behind him.  Meredith turned to her side and crossed her legs Indian style.

“Well I’m a good vault.”  Meredith offered a small smile, telling him if he wanted to talk she’d listen.

“I have a girlfriend, you know?”  He asked her, not sure if she knew that piece of information.  Meredith simply rolled her eyes, sarcastically.

“Oh the red headed intern that looks like Isabella freaking Rossellini, oh _no_ , I didn’t know about that.”  She mocked him, and then let out a chuckle, shaking her head.  She knew he had _no_ concept of how he was the envy of all men and that every woman _hated_ Addison for the simple fact that she was stunningly attractive _and_ she was dating Derek who they all considered to be drop-dead, heart stopping gorgeous.  Even Meredith had noticed.

“Well yeah, we’ve been together for nearly four years, and well she’s expecting me to propose, and I _know_ that’s the next logical step, it’s what people _expect_ me to do…but I don’t know-”

“You don’t know if _you_ want to spend the rest of your life with her,” Meredith surmised.  Derek simply nodded.  “Do you love her?”  She asked, unconsciously holding her breath in anticipation of his answer.

“Yes, I do. But…I don’t know. I just…look, my Mom and Dad were _madly_ in love with one another, and I’ve always wanted that. I don’t know if I feel that for her. I know I don’t want to hurt her; it would _kill_ me to hurt her. I don’t know…I just don’t know.”  Derek tried to explain, but he didn’t have any answers.

“Well I don’t know much, the one marriage modeled to me was my parents and it didn’t work out. But I don’t think people should get married because it’s the logical thing to do _or_ because it’s what people expect of you. You get married because you love each other, and sometimes even that isn’t enough, but anything less than that is pretty much destined to blow up in your face.”  She responded as she lent her head against the wall.

“I agree with that, I just don’t know what _I_ want.”  He murmured in frustration.

“I think you _do_ know, Derek, you’re just afraid of hurting someone or your family and friends.”  She whispered emphatically.  She had hit the nail on the head, Derek knew it right then and there.

“Yes, but-”

“And that’s precisely your problem, the more you try to not hurt anyone, the _more_ you hurt them. The right thing to do is generally the thing that hurts the most initially, _but_ hurts less in the long run.”  She said, cutting him off before he could make any more excuses.  He sighed deeply.

“That isn’t making this any easier.”  Derek moaned, placing his head in his hands.  She put her hand on Derek’s shoulder and rubbed soothingly.

“Nothing is _ever_ easy.”  She whispered, shuffling on the bed so she was sitting beside him, her shoulder pressed to his, Derek lifted his head from his hands and turned his head to face Meredith, he then took her hand and clasped it in his.  He eyed her lips and then shifted back to her eyes.  It was like gravity pulling him in as his head inched closer to her.

_“For the most part, I still believe we control our own destiny, but maybe Mrs Snyder was right, maybe some things are just out of our control. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that love, like life, are about the choices we make. But I’m starting to believe that we don’t get to choose who we fall in love with. It’s a lot like gravity, I suppose. There’s this invisible force that just draws two people together, no matter how hard you fight it, it never lets go and once it's got a hold on you, it changes your life forever.”_


	3. Wanting What You Can't Have

**Chapter Three  
** _Wanting What You Can't Have_

_“Why is it that human beings seem to fall for the person they know they can’t have? What’s with our need to torture ourselves with unattainability? We know very well we shouldn’t want them and we know how much it hurts knowing we can’t be with them – but against all rationality we still want them anyway.”_

The world felt like it had stopped around them as they inched closer to one another. Only, even in this quiet little world of theirs where no one existed but the two of them, Meredith still held a shed of clarity.  She _knew_ what was happening, and she _wanted_ it, problem was she knew she _shouldn’t_ want it – he had a girlfriend after all.  Meredith averted her gaze from Derek’s to a tiny splatter of blood on the bridge of his nose.  She reached up and wiped it away.

“Blood.”  Meredith murmured, a small smirk gracing her lips.  The bubble burst, and the world around them came back into focus.

“Great…,” he chuckled darkly.  “I am wearing my patient.”  Meredith stifled a laugh.

“I could think of worse things…,” she grinned as she casually backed from him.  “Like vomit.” A mischievous glint crossed Derek’s eyes.

“You’re mocking me?” Pretending to be hurt.

“Not at all Dr. Shepherd.” She grinned as she turned and began to leave the tunnels.

“And now you are walking away.”  Meredith turned, chuckling.

“I am not…I have to get back to work.”  She defended

“Sure you do…,” he teased, sitting up on the gurney.  “I confess my deep dark fears, you mock me and then walk away. Some friend you are, Grey.”  Unclipping his pager, he lies back on the gurney, his arms tucked behind his head.

Meredith shakes her head, grinning.  “Funny.”  She says with mock sarcasm.  Derek turned on his side to face her and silence befalls them.  Their smiles, which are filled with mirth both turned into reverent ones.  Derek felt at ease, he felt so comfortable and more himself when he was around Meredith.

It was like time had stopped again for them, and the bubble returned.

Meredith felt the intensity of Derek’s stare and she looked down at her feet, knowing she had to leave, she wasn’t going to be _that_ girl, the kind that broke up a relationship.

“I…uh…I really do have to get back to work.”  Meredith murmured, unsure if her admission was more for his or her benefit.

“I know.”  Derek nodded, understanding.  Meredith turned and began walking out the door.  _Just keep on walking, Meredith._ She let out the breath she was holding and stepped into the awaiting elevator.  Leaning up against the back of the elevator, lost in her own thoughts.  She _couldn’t_ have feelings for Derek – she couldn’t _want_ him…but against all logic… _No!_ She berated herself.  Her phone beeped and she checked the message, which was from Amelia.

From: Amelia Shepherd

_Hey Meredith.  So about that party, it’s tonight at West Campus Dorms.  Damien Bradley is hosting…yes I know he’s a dick, but admittedly he does know how to throw a party.  Meet me out front at 8 PM and get ready to bust a move with me, it’s been a shit week!_

Meredith grinned as the elevator doors opened – this was _exactly_ the distraction she needed.

To: Amelia Shepherd

_Oh I’ll be there…along with Jose. It’s been a shit week for me as well!_

From: Amelia Shepherd

_Jose??_

To: Amelia Shepherd

_Jose Cuero – we are very old friends._

From: Amelia Shepherd

_Tequila…hah see I knew there was a reason I liked you._

To: Amelia Shepherd

_Right back at you – I’ll see you tonight, right now I have to tend to a case of exploding diarrhea._

From: Amelia Shepherd

_I should be repulsed…but I have to admit I’m kind of jealous…least you get to practice medicine!_

Meredith stowed her phone away and picked up her patient's chart and headed up to Paeds.  Her patient was a seven-year-old boy named Jamie Fowler.  The poor child was admitted last night; so far he was being treated with antibiotics for the virus in his system and fluids via IV.

“Hey Jamie.”  She greeted him.  The little boy perked up and smiled.  Meredith had been on the case since he was admitted and the boy had appeared to have taken a liking to Meredith so Lauren had instructed her to stick with him.

“Hey Meredith.”  He greeted before averting his gaze back up to the television, which was showing cartoons.  Meredith pulled her stethoscope out and began taking his vitals.

“How you feeling today?”  She asked him as she took his pulse.

“A bit better, but my tummy still hurts.”  Jamie said, listlessly.  Meredith noted the light sheen of sweat on his forehead and immediately took his temperature.  104.3 F.  Meredith knew this was a high-grade fever and she immediately paged his doctor and Lauren.

“Where’s your Mom?”  Meredith asked, trying to keep him conscious and distracted.

“She’s at work, her boss is mean. She told him I was sick but he said he’d fire Mommy if she didn’t show up for work today. Mommy works real hard to pay the bills, but she couldn’t lose her job.”  Jamie explained, immediately defending his mother as if he feared Meredith would judge her – indicating this had happened before.  Her heart went out to the little boy and his mother, it couldn’t be easy on her, being a single mother and trying to give your son the best life she possibly could.  That was _more_ than her own mother ever did for her.

“He sounds like a nasty man,” Meredith agreed.  She often at times could not quite comprehend the callousness of some people.  She sat in the chair beside Jamie’s bed and lent toward him, smiling reassuringly.  “But you know what, we are going to take great care of you and when she gets off work today give her a big cuddle, I think that will brighten her day.”  Meredith winked at him and stood up as Lauren entered the room.

“You paged?”  Lauren asked, then turned to gaze at Jamie giving him a broad smile.

“Yes,” she murmured and motioned for Lauren to follow her outside.  She didn’t want Jamie to overhear and frighten him.  “Jamie has a fever of 104.3 F, I have paged Dr. Manning.”  Meredith explained to her as Dr. Manning joined them.  His look was sour; unimpressed that he had been disturbed for a child with diarrhea.

“We might need to change his medication, doctor.”  Lauren stated.

“More than likely, but I will make that determination, _nurse_.”  Manning responded, scathingly.

“You,” he pointed at Meredith.  “Page Dr. Sloan and have him handle the case from here.”  He said dismissively.  _Jerk._ Meredith thought as he waved her away.

Derek was right, he really is a moron, but she considered adding jackass to his less than stellar description.  She walked towards the nurse’s station to page Dr. Sloan but as luck would have it Mark was leaning back in a chair behind the desk, staring up at the ceiling.

“Dr. Sloan,” she called, placing the patient's chart in front of him.  “I was just about to page you.”  She explained.  Mark looked Meredith up and down appreciatively, finally getting a closer look at the nurse that Derek had warned him away from.

“To an on-call room I hope.”  Mark flirted.  He had dirty in his eyes.  Meredith raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah…,” she scoffed.  “In your dreams!”  Rolling her eyes at him knowing full well of Mark’s reputation of being every female employee’s favorite ‘sex toy,’ so to speak.  “Dr. Manning has assigned you a case I am on, room 2201, patient is Jamie Fowler, he was admitted last night with a violent case of diarrhea. Dr. Manning has put him on antibiotics to treat the virus but he just spiked a temp of 104.3 F.”  Meredith opened the chart to her notes, dismissing his flirtatious behavior toward her.  Mark simply groaned the moment he heard diarrhea.

“You know I am riding a career right into Plastics and _this_ is what I get, stuck with the kid that poops every five seconds.”  Mark complained as he picked up the chart and stood.

“Well hop to it _Princess_.”  Meredith responded sarcastically.  Mark exuded arrogance and normally it wouldn’t piss her off but she liked her patient and refused to let this interns belief that the task was beneath him, compromise Jamie’s care.

“Princess?”  He questioned, affronted.

“Yes, because _you_ and plastics have two things and common. Pretty and frivolous.”  Meredith smirked, enjoying knocking him off his pedestal.  

“Plastics is not pretty and frivolous.”  Mark became defensive.  He was often misunderstood.  Sure he was arrogant, callous at times and the kind of guy that slept with you and doesn’t call you the next day – but he wasn’t without a heart and he isn’t as shallow like as what he _lets_ people think.

“Yes, because you’re afraid to get your hands dirty, you are the half-wit fools who don’t have the balls to do _real_ surgery,” Meredith knocked him down peg by peg.  “But hey, since you’re here _pretending_ you actually have what it takes let's get back to the case at hand,” she snaps, grabbing the chart and showing Mark Jamie’s latest vitals, _again_.  “I think his medication needs to be changed, _clearly_ , what he is currently on isn’t working.”  Mark knew she was mostly having a go at him, people do have a tendency to underestimate him – often assuming his arrogance and bravado merely exists to cover for his ineptness.  But he also wasn’t going to stand here and be told what to do by a nurse.

“Last time I checked I am the doctor and you are the nurse. Here’s a thought: you can tell me what to do with _my_ patient after you spend four years in med school, until then…” He left the rest to her imagination and walked off to tend to his diarrhea.

Lauren’s mouth was ajar slightly and her expression was full of contempt as she walked up beside Meredith.

“Did he just…?” She asked Meredith.  She wasn’t astonished as she knew very well that this _isn’t_ the first time a doctor has been arrogant enough to assume nurses were simply servants – but it still never ceased to make her speechless when it _does_ happen.

“Yep.” Meredith answered, crossing her arms in front of her.

“Well Grey, feel free to give him hell.” Lauren smirked.  Meredith raised an eyebrow.  “Within reason of course.” She winked at her and sat down to do her work.

/ / /

Mark was mentally exhausted as he dumped his food tray next to Derek’s.  This was not how he wanted his afternoon to go.  First he got mocked and torn a new one by an itty bitty nurse, then he spent an hour getting diarrhea boy’s temp down and then the next two hours researching a medication that Jamie _wouldn’t_ have a reaction to since it seems the child was allergic to pretty much everything.

“What’s your problem?”  Derek asked as he popped a piece of tomato in his mouth.

“I just spent my afternoon with a kid with violent diarrhea, Manning didn’t want to deal with the kid so he palmed him off to me. Your sister’s friend also bitched me out. The girl’s got sass and I like that but where does she get off telling _me_ how to treat my patient.” Mark complained as he took a long draw from his bone dry cappuccino.

“Huh, well you and diarrhea…hell you and a kid in general, I’d pay to see that,” Derek smirked.  “As for the rest, well that sounds like Meredith.”  He shrugged.

“She called me pretty and frivolous.”  Mark scoffed.

“ _So_ , did she say something wrong?”  Derek deadpanned.

“I am _not_ pretty and frivolous…wait…well I am pretty, she’s right about that.”  Mark responded matter-of-factly.  

“Uh huh.”  Derek rolled his eyes at him – it was not news to him that Mark practically thought he was God's gift to women.  “Look the little time I’ve gotten to know Meredith she is sassy and bossy but it _always_ comes from a good place.”  He explained as his mind drifted to earlier.

“Hah, now I understand why you told me to stay away from her.” Mark accused.

“What’s that supposed to me?”  Derek asked defensively.

“You’re in to her.”  Mark stated, he could see it in Derek’s face.  He had known him practically his whole life, and he _knew_ that expression on his face before – only this time it seemed like it was even more than before.

“I am not. I have a girlfriend.” He answered dismissively.  Mark’s pager shrilled loudly.  He groaned, unable to enjoy his meal.  He stood up leaving his food untouched, cappuccino in hand and he began to walk away but stopped and turned back to Derek.  Mark knew Derek better than possibly his own sisters.  Addison was a beautiful woman and most people would be happy with just that…but this was Derek – he _needed_ it to be more than that.

“A girlfriend who you won’t grow a pair and propose to, despite being together for almost four years. I wonder why that is?”  Mark didn’t stay to hear Derek’s answer because he already knew what the truth was – even if Derek wasn’t aware of it just yet.

Mark roughly pressed the button to call the elevator at the south wing.  The doors opened and he hit level four.  He stood at the back of the elevator, pondering his own words to Derek.  Addison was perfect and beautiful, he didn’t want her to get hurt, she was his friend too, but Derek was like his brother and all he wanted for him was to do what made him happy.

The doors to the elevator opened to the fourth floor and Mark pushed his thoughts to the back of his mind – they were getting a little too _girly_ for his liking.  He walked straight to 2208 and noticed a red headed nurse taking the patient's vitals.

“You paged.” Mark motioned her to hand over the chart.

“Yes, Mr Gregory has Pica Disease and has swallowed his entire chess piece set, we need to locate all the pieces.” The nurse replied, a smirk lacing her features as she pressed a pair of gloves into his hand and a bed pan with Mr Gregory’s poo in it.   _What is it with poo today?_ He mentally groaned.

“Isn’t that your job?”  Mark asked the nurse pointedly.  He finally recognized her, well her wrapped around his body against the shelves of the supply closet on the third floor.  If he wasn’t mistaken she was rather enjoying herself at the time.

“Not today, I was told to page you and _only_ you.”  She was clearly taking pleasure in this, one look at the scowl on her features Mark knew. _Yep, that’s the last time I’ll ever see her naked again. Why can’t they understand a lay is a lay?_

She left the room, shutting the door behind her.  Mark was thankful Mr Gregory was asleep so he wasn’t forced to make small talk as well.  He snapped his gloves on and began sifting through his poo.  He pulled out a white king.  Staring at the small cross on the pieces head he just couldn’t fathom how anyone, disease or no disease would _willingly_ swallow that!  His pager sounded and he snapped his gloves off to check it.

It was the nurses’ station.  Mark covered the bedpan and went out to see what they wanted.  Meredith was behind the desk sorting through paperwork it seemed.

Glancing up, “Good you’re here, 2104 needs her drain changed, 2110 has junky veins and needs a central line, 2107 needs an enema and down in the clinic there are five rectal exams that need to be performed.”  Meredith picked up the charts and placed them on the counter in front of him.  Mark sifted through and frowned.

“None of these are my patients.”  Mark slapped the chart closed and pushed them back toward Meredith.

“They are Dr. Manning’s patients, and since you are his intern that makes them _your_ patients as well.”  Meredith raised an eyebrow at Mark, daring him to challenge her.  Mark picked up the charts and got to work.  This was how the rest of his day looked, being paged left, right and center and piled on with case after case by Manning – work nurses mostly would normally do and he couldn’t quite place what exactly he had done to piss Manning off so much.

Finally, he was done scrounging through poop, rectal exams and IV’s.  He saw Manning at the nurses’ station with Dr. Rodriguez, their Chief Resident.  Manning was a dick, that much was clear but this was more than his normal torture, he had done something and he wanted to know what so he could get back in his good books and back on _real_ cases.

“Sir, I get I am an intern and I’m the bottom of the surgical food chain, but I didn’t spend eight years of my life studying to be a doctor to have my hands wasted mostly on stuff that is part of the nurses duties,” Manning looked up, quirking an eyebrow.  “What have I done for you to page me every second of the afternoon to deal with bedpan changes and exploring fecal matter?”  Mark asked.  Manning dropped his pen on the desk.

“What on earth are you on about Sloan?”  Manning growled at him.  He was confused and so was Mark.  In his peripheral he saw Derek, Addison, Sam and Naomi off to the side of the nurse’s station, watching the exchange and then he saw _her_ and it finally dawned on him.

“It wasn’t you at all was it?”  Mark realized.  Dr. Rodriguez looked like Mark had grown another head.

“Ya think.” Dr. Rodriquez deadpanned as she raised an eyebrow.  Manning just walked away muttering something intelligible that sounded a lot like _Interns._

“Maybe next time you’ll learn to not bite the hand that feeds you.”  Mark’s head snapped to Meredith direction as she spoke.

“Pissing off the nurse's,” Dr. Rodriguez said as she shook her head at Mark.  “Stupid.”  She scoffed at him.  He heard their sniggers – this day blew big time.  Mark walked over to Meredith – to say he was pissed would be an understatement.

“You know plastics isn’t pretty and frivolous,” Mark began, and it wasn’t, he had always believed that.  “Yeah sure, we do all the superficial surgeries, but we also give people a new lease on life, transgender patients a chance to feel like themselves, we help reattached appendages, fix cleft pallets and help burn victims. I also _intend_ to be certified in ENT. I might do boob jobs and lipo along the way but what I do isn’t any less important than brain tumors.”  Mark defended.  Passion exuded his every word.  Meredith could see that there was definitely more to Mark Sloan than met the eye.

“Well, perhaps there’s hope for you yet, _Princess_.”  She smirked as she grabbed her bag and left to go home.

Those sniggers from before turned into peals of laughter.  Derek clapped Mark on the back of his shoulder.

“Never piss off the nurses but more importantly _never_ piss off Meredith Grey.”  Derek shook his head; the entire thing amused him.  Watching Mark Sloan be knocked down a peg or two was sheer entertainment.

“That girls got sass _and_ substance.”  Mark remarked, he found himself liking the girl, despite his hellish afternoon thanks to her.

“Yeah she does.”  Derek agreed staring ahead at the elevator where she was waiting.  He immediately found himself gravitating toward her.

The way he said it.  The way his face held contentment.  The way he seemed like he was in a dreamlike state as he walked toward her.  Addison missed every single sign that everyone else saw.

“Hey, dinner at my place tonight?”  Addison touched his arm as he was passing.

“Uh…yeah, ok…” Derek agreed distractedly, not looking at Addison at all.  “I’ll see you tonight.”  He murmured and got on the elevator Meredith had just walked into.  “Hey.”  He greeted her.

“Hey.”  She murmured back.

“So I see you had your fun today?”  Derek teased her.

“Uh-huh.”  She giggled.  It was fun, she had enjoyed every moment.  In her short time as a nurse she had recognized just how integral they are in the hospital environment and just how _much_ they were often taken for granted by some of their fellow doctors.

The elevator chimed its arrival to the ground floor and they both stepped off and walked casually to the entrance.

“So what are your plans this evening?”  He inquired.

“Actually, I am headed to a party with your sister tonight.”  A frown crossed his features.  He worried for his sister constantly.

“Well in that case, please take my cell number.”  He produced his pager number card and wrote his cell number on the back.  “I love my sister but she has…uh…” Derek didn’t want to betray his sister’s confidence to her new friend.

“It’s ok, I know,” Meredith assured him, touching his hand.  “She’s told me, I’ll look out for her, ok.”  She promised.

“Thank you. I want her to be happy, have fun, live her life…but I worry. Just if anything happens now or in the future, please call me, no matter what time it is. Promise me.” His hands rested on her shoulders, his clear blue eyes bore into her blue-green orbs.

“I promise.”  She vowed.  Derek was relieved to know Amy had a good friend in Meredith.  He let his arms drop to his side.

“Well…uh…have fun and stay safe.”  He murmured.

She smiled. “I will…I’ll see you later.”  She walked through the entrance doors and as Derek watched her retreating form he found himself worrying about Meredith too.

/ / /

Meredith unlocked her car and made the journey home thankful she only lived a short distance away as she had quickly discovered that New York’s traffic can be quite nightmarish at times.

The journey still takes at least a half hour even in rush hour traffic.  After locking her car in the undercover lockup garage she quickly made her way to her floor and unlocked her apartment.  

It was a modest space, she didn’t have a lot of possessions but the space was filled and the place looked beautiful and modern.  She was pleased to find the place so quickly and also pleased she didn’t end up in a cockroach-infested place.  Rent is not cheap after all – she is every bit thankful to her job as a nurse as she wouldn’t get this kind of pay working at a coffee shop or waitressing.

She glanced down at her watch it was 5:45 PM, she went straight to her fridge and pulled out leftover pizza and heated it up.  Meredith couldn’t cook to save her life so she survived mostly on takeout and ready-made meals she can microwave from the store.  Ellis certainly never took the time to teach her how to cook – actually Meredith wasn’t all that sure if she knew how to cook either.  Her mother spent more time at the hospital than she ever did at home.

She ate quickly and then jumped straight into the shower.  The hot water soothed her tired muscles and washed the last twenty-four hours away.  She washed her hair, rinsed and stepped out of the shower in lightening speed.  She wrapped the towel around her body and went back into her bedroom.  She picked her cell off the kitchen counter and dialed for a taxi and asked them to be out front at 7:30 PM.  She rustled through her bag to grab out her ID and some lip gloss for tonight and she found Derek’s card.  She stared at it for a moment before adding his number into her phone.

She walked back into her room and threw her phone, ID and lip gloss onto the bed and went straight to her closet to pick out what she was wearing.  It was cold outside so she decided on her leather tights, her black baggy top that fell off the shoulder, causal but hot.  She paired it with her Cropped black leather jacket, gold accessories and her black Jimmy Choo heels.  Meredith wasn’t overly into designer brands she simply buys what she likes on the rare occasions she _actually_ goes shopping.

She blew out her hair until it was a sexy ‘just fucked’ state, falling in waves down her body.  She applied her make up, going for the smoky-eye effect.  Her eyes looked even brighter and sultry.  Once she was done she dressed and looked at her phone for the time.  She had fifteen minutes before her cab arrives so she rooted through her closet for her decoy bag, otherwise known as the bag so cheap that she doesn’t care if she loses it, but big enough so she can put her alcohol inside it without anyone the wiser.

She filled her bag with two bottles of tequila, locked the apartment up and went straight outside into the night’s cool air.  Thankfully, the cab had already arrived and was waiting for her.  She stepped into the back of the cab and sat down.

“600 West 113th Street.” She directed the driver who simply nodded and pulled straight into traffic. She lent against the window of the car and became lost in her thoughts.  Before she knew it the cabbie let her know they had arrived.

Slinging her bag on her shoulder she paid the driver and stepped back out into the cool air.  She could hear the loud thumping of the bass coming from inside the building.  She spotted Amelia almost immediately.  She was leaning against the railing at the bottom of the stairs that led into the dorms.

“Hey!”  Amelia greeted.  “Whoa you look amazing, you ready?” She asked clearly excited.

Meredith grinned. “Hell yeah, by the end of this night we’ll be dancing on tables!”

“This is why we’re friends,” Amelia motioned between them.   “Although what’s with the bag?”  She asked.

“Decoy bag, it hides my contraband.”  She says as they step inside, the music that was only thumping outside became deafening.  The party was in full swing, bottles of alcohol littered tables, they looked to their left and spotted three blonde, busted, bimbos with their tops off either they are just loose or someone hired strippers.  Meredith thoughts leaned towards the latter.

She rolled her eyes and pulled out her two bottles of tequila and passed one to Amelia.

“Well we’re definitely at a college party, let’s go to the back that’s where the people with brain cells are at.”  Amelia said sarcastically.

Meredith sniggered.  “Ah the people we are _less_ likely to punch by the end of the night.”

“Pretty much.”  She agreed as she took a swig of her tequila.  Meredith shoved the empty decoy bag in the corner and swung her smaller purse over her shoulder as they headed into the back common room.

/ / /

He couldn’t stop thinking about her.  He couldn’t stop _worrying_ about her.  Derek found himself more and more zoning out whenever he was in Addison’s company alone and this was happening _well_ before he had even met Meredith.

He felt a sense of foreboding – but he shrugged it off – marriage was just a big step and he wants to be sure.  Addison was perfect, everything any man could want and they made each other laugh.  _Maybe this is just cold feet._  He thought.

“So who is that blonde-haired nurse?”  Addison asked.  “She’s awfully young.”  She mused.

Derek popped a piece of steak in his mouth and chewed thoroughly before answering.  “Her name is Meredith, she’s actually a friend of Amy’s, she studying pre-med with her.”  Derek murmured, as soon as he heard Addison refer to Meredith it was enough to jar him from his zoned-out state.

Addison frowned.  “If she’s studying pre-med what is she doing working as a nurse?”

“She told me she wanted to be able to get some experience while she was studying.”  Derek shrugged.  Addison meant the question to be rhetorical, she _never_ expected him to have an answer.

“Right, so she’s what eighteen, how is that even possible?”  Addison mused.

“Meredith said her high school had an LPN program and she did it and took the test as soon as she was eighteen. She’s very dedicated to her ambition to be a surgeon, I think it's admirable.”  He answered.

Addison quirked an eyebrow, she found it unsettling that he seemed to know so much about this girl.  “You seem to know an awful lot about her.”  Addison commented casually.

“Yeah…well…I have worked with her a few times…she’s nice, funny and exceedingly smart,” Derek commented.  “I think she’ll make one hell of a surgeon one day.”  He said as he got up to clear his plate and start on the dishes.

Addison was left feeling numb as she was left alone at the table.  She had felt Derek’s distance for a while now and mostly she had thought it was because he was getting ready to propose to her, but now for the first time ever, she doubted Derek’s feelings for her.

/ / /

The music was pulsating and her head was abuzz.  This was _exactly_ what she needed.  She and Amelia were shaking it on the dance floor both feeling the effects of the tequila they had consumed.  They moved to the music, the pain in their feet from their heels long forgotten as the alcohol numbed them.

Meredith felt a pair of hands on her hips; she felt the guy’s hot breath on the back of her neck and the heady smell of his aftershave.  She turned to face the handsome profile of Gabe Davidson; she had met him a few times in class.  He was tall with short, messy, blonde hair, burly statue and deep green eyes.  She’d be lying if she said she didn’t find him attractive.  He wasn’t really her type, personality wise, one-night stand wise... _Ah whatever let's go with it._ She thought as she smiled at him and continued to dance with him.  She turned her back against him again and moved her hips to the music.

Gabe moved with her, feeling his hands up and down Meredith’s body while she grinded into him.  

Meredith could almost taste it – that heady taste of expectancy.  Gabe turned Meredith’s head to the side and he kissed her.

/ / /

Derek was laying on his back, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought and unable to sleep.  Addison had long since fell asleep hours ago.  She had tried to initiate sex, but he just wasn’t in the mood.  He was left surprised he wasn’t kicked out onto the couch for the night.

He couldn’t shake the feeling, he didn’t know what it was he just…well he had a feeling.

His phone shrilled loudly on his bedside table.  He turned on his light.  Frowning, as he didn’t recognize the number.  Addison stirred beside him and sat up in bed rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“Hello.”  Derek answered.  He immediately heard the pulsating of muted music in the background.

_“Derek…” She moaned.  “Help me.”_

Her voice was barely a whisper but he knew it was her as soon as she spoke.  His heart began to beat fast.

He had a feeling...

_“This is the thing, how do we really truly know that the person we can’t have is the person we should have? What if the only reason the ‘can’t’ exists is because some other force is preventing it from happening. I guess either way we’ll never know until something changes everything.”_


	4. Clarity

**Chapter Four**  
_Clarity_

" _Clarity. That clear and perfect moment where times stands still and everything that didn't make sense, does. But before there is clarity there is denial; all the signs we pretend not to see, all the things we tell ourselves can't be and all the feelings we pretend not to have, all melded together until it's one messy ball of confusion."_

"Meredith, where are you?" He asked, becoming frantic. He _knew_ ; he had a feeling, he only wished he was wrong.

" _Derek…please help…I feel-"_

The line went dead and his heart felt like it was in his throat. He leapt up from bed and threw on some clothes.

"Derek what is going on?" Addison demanded.

"It’s Meredith…something is wrong…she…Addie I-uh-I have to go." Derek hurriedly explained and he was out the door before Addison could even respond. A woman calls him in the early hours of the morning…A woman that wasn't _her_.

He ran down the steps of the Brownstone and got straight into his car. He could feel his blood pumping in his ears.

He quickly dialed Amy's cell – he had no idea where the party even was.

"Come on, come on, pick up, pick up, pick up."

Loud music thumped into his ear. "Hello." She answered.

"Amy where is Meredith?" Derek practically demanded.

"I-I don't know I've been looking for her too…wait why are you calling me about Mere?" She felt a sick feeling rise up in her stomach.

"Mere called me, she wasn't making sense. Amy something is wrong, she asked me to help her and the line went dead. I _need_ to find her, what's the address?" Derek demanded as he pulled into the dark streets.

"West Campus Dorms, 600 West 113th Street." She rambled out. Her hands began to shake.

"I'm on my way, I'll call you when I arrive…Amy, keep looking for her." He urged her.

"O-okay." She agreed and Derek hung up. He gripped the steering wheel tightly – his mind racing. He steered through the dark streets, thankful that there was no traffic at this time in the morning.

Derek knew where he was going – it had only been a space of months when he was here attending medical school. West campus dorms had always been where the biggest and most out of control parties were.

He made it to the campus in record time. Parking a few blocks away, he locked the car and ran down the street towards the entrance. Upon entering he called Amy again.

She answered on the first ring. "Hey, I am at the back common room, I haven't found her yet…Derek I have asked and looked everywhere…What if-"

"Don't even go there…look, I'm looking for you now." He hung up as he spotted her across the room near the bar. Amelia looked like she was about to be sick. Derek placed his hands on her shoulders. "Amy, who did you last see her with?" He tried not to be demanding, but his fear for Meredith outweighed all pleasantries.

"I-I don't know, she was dancing with some guy…but I never saw his face." Amelia was shaking, as she ran a hand through her hair. She was scared, terrified even. She looked around and he could see recognition in her eyes. He followed her gaze to a blonde dancing with a bottle of booze in her hand. "Lucy!" She called over the loud music as she approached her. "Lucy!" She yelled again trying to get her attention.

Lucy was really drunk – Derek could clearly see as she staggered towards his sister.

"Amelia!" She squealed arms up in the air as she grinded down her dance partner. _Classy._ Derek sarcastically thought.

"Lucy…I need you to focus…," Amelia asked as she grabbed her face between her hands to get Lucy to look at her. There was a look of contented bliss on Lucy's face and Derek recognized it from the many times Amelia had worn that very same expression. Lucy was high. "Have you seen Meredith?" She questioned. Lucy frowned as if trying to remember.

"Meredith…Mer-e-dith," She slurred out. "Oh yeah…the hot blonde." She giggled. Amelia shook her shoulders, she _needed_ her to be coherent.

"Lucy focus!" She scolded her. "When did you last see her?" She asked again.

"He was alllll over her….or she was all over him?" She questioned herself, a frown gracing her features.

"Lucy!" Amelia yelled at her. "She's in trouble!" Amelia grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the crowd and into hall. Derek followed; his patience was wearing thin as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Oh…well she was with Gabe Davidson…," she slurred, becoming unsteady on her feet. She pointed down the hall to the stairs that led to the dorms. "I saw him…take her to his room…no he _said_ that." She choked before vomiting all over the floor. Derek was torn he couldn't leave the girl heaving on the ground but he had to find Meredith. Amelia lent down and pulled back Lucy's hair as she started vomiting into a nearby trashcan. Lucy spluttered, the vomit appeared to sober her just a little. "He's on the third floor…not sure which room number." She coughed.

"Go," she urged Derek. "I'll make sure she doesn't choke on her own vomit…just find Mere."

/ / /

Derek felt like everything was moving in slow motion as he ran up each flight of stairs until he reached the third floor. He spotted a girl coming out of her room and he made a beeline for her _hoping_ she would know which one of these rooms belonged to this prick.

"Do you know which room is Gabe Davidson's?" He asked her hurriedly. She nodded and pointed to the door just across from him. Derek tried the handle but it was locked. He lent his ear to the door and heard muffled sounds – someone was _definitely_ in there. He knocked on the door.

"Fuck off! I'm busy." A gruff response answered. _Fuck you, asshole._ Derek stood back and shoulder charged the door, once, twice and then he burst through.

His heart was in his mouth. There she was, unconscious and half-naked on the bed while Gabe was leaning over her, cock in hand ready to penetrate her. Derek grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him into his closet doors. Gabe found his footing and charged. Derek pulled his fist back and connected with Gabe’s face. Derek pulled him up by the scruff of his neck and he just saw red, he punched him in the gut and then threw him out into the hall.

"This how you get your kicks you sick bastard!" Derek shouted as he kicked him in the stomach.

"She wanted it, she practically begged me." Gabe coughed out.

"She's unconscious, so I highly doubt that," Derek spat as he kicked him in the balls. Gabe howled on the ground as pain seared through his body. "Listen, cause I will _only_ say this once. Don't you _ever_ lay a finger on her again; if you do I _will_ find you and a black eye and bruised junk will be the very _least_ of your problems." Derek had that look in his eyes and Gabe _knew_ he meant every word. Just like that the tables turned – now Gabe was the one who was terrified.  Gabe scrambled to his feet and ran back down to the party. If it weren't for Meredith lying unconscious in the room behind him he'd have beat him black and blue.

Derek immediately began checking her out. Her chest was rising and falling – he sighed in relief. He picked up her hand and checked her pulse, timing it against his watch. She was within normal range. He saw a plastic cup of booze on the bedside table and picked it up. He saw lipstick on the side and the cup was almost full as if only a few mouthfuls of the booze was drunk. The colour of the lipstick matched Meredith's – he surmised this was the drink and it all fit. She was drugged, but thankfully hadn't consumed enough for it to have long term effects or heaven forbid be fatal.

Derek kneeled on the bed beside her and stroked her cheek. He was still so angry, but not at her, _never_ at her. Even in her clearly vulnerable state, she was beautiful. He needed to get her out of here.

"I got you Mere…I got you," Derek murmured. "You're going to be okay." He promised her.

Derek searched the floor and found her tights, underwear, purse and shoes.  He gently redressed her. Stroking her hair one last time he reached for his cell and called Amy.

"Did you find her?" Amelia asked, frantically.

"Yes, I have her, meet me outside." He murmured and he hung up. Derek leaned down and picked Meredith up bridal style and carried her downstairs and then out of the building.

Amelia's hand was covering her mouth when she saw her brother carrying her friend. A tear leaked down her face. She didn't want to say it – she didn't want to _think_ it.

"Was she…" She trailed off. _No._ she couldn't say it.

"No…I got there in time," Derek reassured her. "She was drugged, but she's going to be ok, she didn't drink enough of the drink to feel the full effect, she just needs to sleep it off." He explained to her. "Can you reach into my pocket and grab my keys." Amelia nodded and fished them out of the back of his jeans. Derek carried Meredith to his car and gently placed her lying down on the back seat. Amelia stepped in and laid Meredith's head in her lap and took her friend's hand. She felt responsible for this – she felt like she should have been a better friend. Derek opened the driver's side and started the engine. He didn't know where she lived so he headed to his own apartment he shared with Mark. He pulled up on the side of the street and got out. Amelia got out as well and Derek picked Meredith up again. She didn't stir. He took the elevator up to his floor and gave Amelia his keys. Derek burst the door to his apartment open with a loud thud. He dropped Meredith's belongings and her shoes on the side table near the door.

The loud noise jarred Mark from his slumber and he made his way outside cautiously. He saw Derek carrying a woman with his sister in tow.

"Derek what the hell?" Mark groaned. On closer inspection he realized the woman he was carrying was Meredith. "What happened?" Mark questioned as he followed Derek into his room as he placed her gently on his bed.

"She was drugged." Amelia explained – still shaken by the night's events.

"Shit." Was all he could seem to manage to say.

Once Derek had Meredith settled in his bed he turned to his sister who was just staring at Meredith as if almost catatonic.

"Amy, grab some of my clothes and go take a shower." He softly spoke to her. Her head jerked up and her eyes met his and she shook her head.

"I should be here with her." She muttered.

"Amy I think you are in a bit of shock, you'll be no good to her until you have a shower and get some rest." Derek wrapped his arms around his baby sister and kissed the top of her head.  Despite all Amelia's demons, and the hell she had put them all through, _especially_ their mother, he loved his sister dearly. Derek glanced up to Mark, asking him without words to take care of her. Mark nodded and ushered Amelia out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Derek knew Meredith needed a bath, but he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable if she found out he had undressed her. Her shirt was long enough to cover her so he removed her tights and all her jewellery. He then went to his bathroom and wet two washcloths. He returned to Meredith and used one to remove the makeup from her face and the other he ran over her arms and legs to hopefully make her feel a little comfortable when she wakes. He pulled the blanket over her to keep her warm and began checking her vitals again. Just to be on the safe side, he went to his work satchel and pulled out his penlight to check her pupillary response. Both were equal and dilating normally.

The rush of the night's events and the lack of sleep began to creep up on him and he realized just how exhausted he was. He began to nod off but was jerked awake when Amelia came back into the room freshly showered and wearing one of Mark's shirts.

Amelia touched Meredith's hand before sitting down at the end of the bed. She was looking down at her hands.

"I feel like this is all my fault." Amelia choked out.

"Why?" Derek asked, shocked that she would even think of blaming herself. Amelia stared up at her brother, tears welling in her eyes.

"I haven't known Meredith long, but she's quickly becoming my best friend. She gets me, you know. I feel like I can be myself and she accepts me with no question and no judgment. Friends look out for one another and _tonight_ ," her voice faltered. "I feel like I failed her." Amelia wiped the tears from her face as she looked down at Meredith.

Derek crawled down the bed and pulled his sister into his side. Amelia laid her head on his shoulder.

"This isn't you fault." Derek rubbed her back trying to reassure her.

"Feels like it is." She sniffled.

"Are you the one that drugged her?" Derek chided her.

"No." She choked out.

"Did you ever abandon her willingly throughout the night?"

"No." She murmured.

Derek nodded and went on, "And the moment you lost sight of her, what did you do?"

"I started looking for her." She said.

"See?" Derek hugged her tighter. "You aren't responsible, in fact you did _everything_ right. It's not your fault and neither is it Meredith’s, the only blame lies with that sick asshole. Look, a part of me wants to tell you to not go to wild parties like that…but the truth is, sick pricks like Gabe are everywhere, no matter where you go and as much as I worry about you, I don't want you to stop living your life because of guys like him. All I want is for you and Meredith to protect yourselves as best you can from guys like that and know that no matter what, even when I am pissed at you, I am _always_ here for you." Derek lent his head against his sisters. Ever since their father's death he had always been the closest to Amelia, even when she was making him want to pull his teeth out.

"I know that, even when I hate you, you've always been there. Truth is, if she had called me instead of you, I'd have called you anyway." Amelia admitted.

"I'm glad to hear you say that." Derek murmured and he was because if it had just been Amelia in that room trying to fight that prick off, he shuddered to think what might have went down. "You should get some sleep it's after four." Amelia lifted her head from Derek's shoulder and nodded. She reached for Meredith's hand and gave it a final squeeze and she left the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

Derek laid back down next to Meredith and the exhaustion from before quickly set in and he fell into a peaceful slumber.

/ / /

Derek was awoken as he felt the bed move. He opened his eyes to the daylight flooding through the windows and Meredith stirring beside him. He sat up on his side and took her hand in his rubbing reassuring circles with his thumb on the back of her hand. She moaned.

"Shh," he soothed her rubbing up and down her arm. "You are ok, you're safe." Derek reassured her.

"Derek?" Meredith moaned as she opened her eyes, blinking repeatedly from the brightness. Derek was never more grateful in his life to be able to stare into her beautiful orbs.

"Yes." Derek confirmed it was him. She sat up slowly, trying to gather her bearings. She quickly realized she wasn't in her bed and that Derek was indeed lying beside her.

"Where am I?" She asked, turning to him, a frown crossing her features.

"This is my apartment, I brought you here with Amelia early this morning when I got a call from you that you needed help," Meredith's face was blank. "Mere you were drugged last night," Derek rubbed circles on her back. "You don't remember any of this do you?" He questioned.

"No." She whispered.

"I'm not surprised, that's just how date rapists like it." He said bitterly.

"Oh…no…I wasn't, was I?" Meredith's hand covered her mouth in shock.

"No, I stopped him before he could," Derek tipped her head so he could see her face. "As soon as you called me I came after you." Derek tucked a strand of Meredith's hair behind her ear.

"Thank you." She said, her voice shaking.

"You're welcome. Are you ok?" His eyes bored into hers, trying to ascertain her exact state of mind.

"I feel a little nauseous, but I'm ok, just grateful you stopped him. It was Gabe wasn't it? He's the last person I remember being with." She surmised. She remembered dancing with him and he got her a drink, then after her mind was blank.

"Yes, and I kicked his ass for you." Derek's voice darkened at the sound of that assholes name. Meredith attempted to lighten the mood.

"Aw, my knight in shining…whatever." She grinned, squeezing his hand.

"I think its 'armour' Mere." He deadpanned.

"Whatever." Meredith shrugged in feign nonchalance, then she giggled. Derek knew he could never get tired of that giggle or her smile, or her for that matter and then it hit him. He sighed, his good mood dampened a little. He rolled off the bed away from her.

"I'm going to make some breakfast." Derek explained, offering a small smile to her. But she could tell something was off.

"Derek?" She questioned to his retreating form. He turned around, but he didn't meet her eye.

"Hmm." He murmured in response. She knew what it was about – she had never been so attuned to a person like she was with Derek.

"Forget about what everyone else thinks, forget about what you _think_ they expect of you and think about what _you_ want, and when you figure that out, go for it and don't look back. There are no guarantees in this life, so you might as well do what makes you happy." She told him. It took him by surprise, like she winded him – but in a good way. She was right after all. He shook his head slightly from side to side, bemused by this incredibly intelligent woman.

He nodded before saying; "There are fresh towels in the bathroom if you would like to have a shower." His voice held a new edge as he spoke, something had changed, but she wasn't sure what.

"Thanks." Meredith nodded as she slowly rolled off the bed and padding her way to the bathroom, very much appreciating the idea of a hot shower.

Derek left the bedroom and walked into the kitchen. He was met with the smell of frying bacon and saw Amelia cooking breakfast.

"Morning." He murmured, pouring himself a cup of black coffee.

"Hey," she smiled. She pointed to a bowl of fruit. "I cut up fruit for you so you can't complain." She jeered.

"Funny," Derek remarked sarcastically. "Mere's up, she's ok, nauseous, but ok, she doesn't remember anything from after she must have started getting dizzy from the drug," Amelia looked relieved to hear she was at least awake. "She's showering now." He finished because he knew she was going to ask.

"I'm glad she's awake and I'd really like to cut Gabe's balls off." Amelia viciously cracked an egg into the pan as if to demonstrate her point.

"Well I didn't make him a girl, but I kicked him in the balls…amongst other things." He trailed off at the end, not wanting his sister to know that he was so close to beating the shit out of that prick.

"Good, hope you gave him a black eye too," Amelia said savagely. "Hard or soft?" Amelia asked him, referring to the eggs and effectively chasing the subject.

"Soft please," He responded while opening the morning paper. "Just don't give me food poisoning." He teased, glancing up over the top of the paper. Amelia scoffed and threw a tea towel in his face.

"I'm sorry, am I interrupting." Meredith smirked as she walked out of Derek’s room. Derek smiled inwardly as he noticed she was wearing a pair of his sweats and his Bowdoin t-shirt. He found himself appreciating just how good she looked in his clothes.

"Not at all, just telling my sister like it is." Derek said throwing the paper onto the couch behind him.

"In other words he's being an _ass_ ," Amelia joked as she flipped the eggs. She turned to Meredith. "How you feeling?" She asked.

"I'm fine. Just a headache, and I feel a little nauseous and weak, but mostly fine," she assured her popping down on the barstool next to Derek. Meredith took a bite out of some dry toast and swallowed. "Hopefully next time we go out I won't be such a drama queen." She joked in an attempt to make light of the situation. Derek and Amelia exchanged looks. Meredith sighed at their exchange putting her hands up. "Seriously guys I am fine. Embarrassed? Yeah. Grateful to the both of you? Absolutely. But I'm not about to go all catatonic and start staring at the wall, so lighten up will you." She admonished and then dug into her breakfast. Derek couldn't help but chuckle. Meredith Grey was truly one of a kind, he mused as he finished up his breakfast.

"I have to go do a couple of things before lunch, Meredith stay here and rest, the drug is not out of your system yet and I want to keep an eye on you. Amy you probably should go home soon before Ma sends in the cavalry." Derek instructed them both. Amelia rolled her eyes at him but she knew he was right.

"Derek, I don't want to impose, you've done enough already." Meredith protested.

"You're not imposing and I am _not_ asking. I'll bring back some lunch when I come back and I expect to see you resting." He ordered, grabbing his keys from the sideboard and his coat from the closet.

Derek hopped into his car and started the engine. He took a moment before merging into traffic.

 _Go for it and don't look back_ . He mused out loud. This was his clarity. Meredith _gave_ him that clarity. She was like a breath of fresh air and suddenly he was able to open his eyes and see his life for what it really was and he wasn't happy with what he saw – he also knew _exactly_ what he needed to do.

He didn't relish what he had to do – but it's what needed to be done.

Derek pulled up at Addison's and used his key to unlock the front door. He took a deep breath before entering, and then went inside.

Addison was pacing back and forth in the living room, looking as if she hadn't slept at all. Relief crossed her features when she saw him standing there.

"Derek." The relief however, was only fleeting. It lasted long enough to find out her boyfriend wasn't dead in a ditch. The anger was what replaced that relief.

"Addison." He put his hands up to try calm her down. He knew he should have called but from the moment he got the call from Meredith he hadn't thought of anyone but her.

"No Derek, you don't just take off like that and not call, I have been going out of my mind with worry thinking all kinds of things, from accidents to you being dead." She ranted.

"Addison-" Derek began but she cut him off.

"It's not just this, don't think I haven't noticed you have been distant for months now. This whole time I have made excuses to myself like, you were stressed when we took our last exams at Columbia, the stress of being an intern, but above all I have told myself you are just nervous about taking the next step in our lives – but that all changed early this morning. I am out of excuses Derek." She continued to rant, her eyes beginning to glisten with tears.

"Addison, I-" Derek tried to interrupt again, but she wasn't having any of it.

"No Derek," She puts her hand up. "I am not done, I'm not even _close_ to being done. Since this morning I have seen everything I have been pretending to _not_ see and I want to know why Meredith Grey calls you and you are out the door with little to no explanation." Addison defiantly brushes the tears about to escape her eyes away. Her expression became so bone-chillingly cold. "Derek, another woman called you at 2 AM this morning." She stated, her voice eerily calm and even.

"Yes, another woman called me at 2 AM this morning and we _need_ to talk."

" _Then it hits you, the clarity, one second you are in denial and the next you see everything as it should be and in that moment the world stands still. It's beautiful even in its chaos because clarity is the truth and the truth is rarely pretty. But it's in the truth we are finally free."_


	5. Drawing Lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voiceovers have been borrowed from the show, all credit to Shonda and ABC.

**Chapter Five**  
_Drawing Lines_

_“It's all about lines. The finish line at the end of residency, waiting in line for a chance at the operating table, and then there's the most important line, the line separating you from the people you work with. It doesn't help to get too familiar to make friends. You need boundaries, between you and the rest of the world. Other people are far too messy. It's all about lines... drawing lines in the sand and praying like hell no one crosses them.”_

It was the calm before the storm.

Addison sat down slowly and placed her palms on her knees…waiting, just waiting for an explanation.  She looked up at Derek, willing him to explain everything so they would be ok.  Because she believed they would be, they were Derek and Addison, after all.

“She was scared…she was in trouble,” he began to explain while pacing.  “And she needed help. If I hadn’t arrived to that party when I did…god…” He could picture Gabe hovering over her again just like last night.  He felt himself shudder and the anger from last night began to seethe just barely under the surface.

“What are you talking about?”  Addison asked, perplexed.

“That’s why she called, she was drugged at a party she was at with Amy,” he finished explaining.

Recognition began to take fold in Addison’s mind while she processed what Derek had told her.

“Is she ok?”  She asked, in mild concern.

He sighed. “She’s recovering.” He breathed out as if reminding himself again that she is ok and safe.

Addison watched Derek’s reaction closely and it left her feeling unsettled again.  It was like she was trying to piece together a puzzle and the more she got the pieces to fit, the more she felt unsettled.

“I don’t mean to sound callous here, but _how_ is this your problem? She’s Amelia’s friend, so why wasn’t _she_ helping her?”  Addison questioned.

Her question floored him and he frowned. “Because she called me…”

“But why you of _all_ people?”  She probed further, beginning to get frustrated once more.

“Are we seriously going to debate why who called who?”  He snapped.  “She was almost raped Addison!” He couldn’t understand why she wasn’t getting it and why she felt the need to question his motives.  “Do you really expect me to get a call like that and just dismiss it?”  His voice began to rise as he spoke in exasperation.

“Of course not. But still, she called _you_.”  She pointed out.

“Because we’re friends!”  He defended.

Addison stood up in frustration and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water.  Derek just stood there watching her, as if unable to move.  The silence spoke volumes.  Addison sipped her water and gathered her thoughts. She mentally put a few more pieces into the puzzle and then it hit her.  She tipped the water into the sink and turned back to Derek, her eyes glistening with tears and accusation.

“Are you sleeping with her?” she choked out.

“No, I am not sleeping with her,” Derek denied honestly, but he didn’t meet her eyes.  He stared down at his feet then back up at her.  She recognized that expression; it was the kind he always wore when he was guilty of something.  Derek opened and closed his mouth a few times, before finally admitting: “But I did almost kiss her yesterday morning.”

His admission hit her like a freight train.  She was stunned for a moment.  Then the denial stepped in.

“But you didn’t,” she offered, convincing herself it was merely a momentary lapse of judgment.

“No, but I _wanted_ to.”  Derek admitted, his guilt palpable.  He wanted to kiss her. He wanted _her_.  “But that’s besides the point,” Derek dismissed, because it was true, the problem far exceeded his desire to kiss another woman.

“Really?”  She scoffed at Derek’s audacity.

“No, because I didn’t kiss her. I am not unfaithful – you know this,” he reasoned. It was true, Derek was faithful, but if Meredith hadn’t pulled away when she did, he liked to think he wouldn’t have kissed her.

“So you just want to hurt me?”  Her pain laced her features as she sat back down on the sofa.  Derek stared at the woman he had shared a life with for almost four years and he knew this was it.

“No Addie. I don’t _want_ to hurt you – But I think I will hurt you either way,” he admitted.  

Addison lifted her head, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks.  The last few pieces of the puzzle remained, and she could see the picture of doom forming with each final piece.  

“You’re expecting a ring, commitment, and a lifetime together – but I can’t give you any of them.” Derek watched as every word he spoke registered on her face.  “I have had doubts and not because I don’t want the same things, I do. Truth is, I could marry you tomorrow. It would be so easy because everything about you and me is easy, safe, comfortable. But it would also be the cruelest thing I could ever do to you, because I’d be settling. I love you, Addie, I do. I just don’t love you enough. You deserve more than to be settled for, you deserve more than this.”  

Her tears fell down her face in cascades the more he admitted the truth that had been bearing down on him for so long.

“Derek?” she asked, a last desperate and feeble attempt for him to take back everything he had said.  It was like she was holding the last piece of the puzzle in her hands and she didn’t want to complete the picture. She didn’t want it to be over.

“It’s over Addie, it _has_ to be.”  With those final words, it was just that; over.  Addison felt like Derek had snatched that last puzzle piece from her grasp and completed the picture of doom just to spite her.

It was over.

She loved him.  She wanted to marry him.  It was enough for her.  She felt invalidated.  Addison wasn’t ready to accept the truth like Derek was.

Derek didn’t know what else to say.  It was awkward; he knew he couldn’t stay because that would just add more salt to the wound.  He picked up his jacket and began to walk to her door.

Addison gazed up at his retreating form and she felt the bitterness rise up from her stomach.

“If you’re going to invalidate the last four years of my life, be honest about one thing,” she spat out.  Derek came to an abrupt halt and turned back around.

“You say that as if I wasn’t just honest with you,” he murmured.  

She ignored his statement.

“Was obligation the only reason you didn’t kiss her?”  Her voice was cold and detached.  This is what she did, when things got tough, she became cold; she learned that from her mother Bizzy.

“Yes,” he admitted.

It didn’t matter how he told her, the inevitability of hurting her would always be the outcome.

Addison stood up, wiped her tears, and squared her shoulders.  She looked up, her eyes still swimming with tears but they were like steel as they sliced right through him.

“Just go Derek.” She dismissed him, her voice wavering a little.  Derek was rooted to the spot. “GO!”  She screamed.  The façade snapped as she slid down the couch to the floor, succumbing to her tears.

He didn’t enjoy her pain, he didn’t relish in destroying her, but what was the alternative? Dismiss all his doubts as cold feet and marry her now only to destroy her later when they both work out they aren’t enough for each other?

“I’m so sorry,” Derek whispered as he left through the front door.

It was the end of an era.

/ / /

Meredith and Amelia sat on either side of the toilet bowl in Derek’s bathroom, their foreheads covered in a light sheen of sweat.

“Urgh, last night was such a good idea,” Amelia groaned.  Breakfast had not gone down well for the both of them and they had spent a good part of the last hour heaving into the toilet.

“No it’s not us or the party…it’s them and their stupid boy penises,” Meredith moaned as she rested her head on the cool tiles of the wall behind her.  She felt the nausea rise again.  “Urgh, I am going to throw up again.”  She groaned kneeling over the toilet bowl.  The nausea subsided as quickly as it came.  “No, I’m good. False alarm,” she declared as she sat back against the wall.

“No, the problem is tequila,” Amelia deadpanned.

“Penises, Amelia. Penises,” she countered as she sipped some cool water from the bottle they were sharing between them.

“I really have to go home, but I don’t think I can move. Maybe I’ll just sit here. In my filth. Until I die.”  Amelia groaned as she lent forward to put her head between her knees, willing the nausea to subside.

“Derek said you had to call your mother so she wouldn’t worry, you don’t still live with her, do you?”  Meredith inquired as she sipped some more water.

“Yeah…I want to move out and get somewhere closer to campus, but I can’t afford a place on my own,” Amelia replied as she sat back up and rested against the cool tiles of the wall behind her.

“I have a spare room, it’s yours if you want it,” Meredith offered.

“Really?”  Amelia’s face brightened at the prospect.

“Yeah, it’s fully furnished and I was planning on renting it anyway,” Meredith shrugged.  “Just don’t expect me to cook for you, I burn things,” she warned, pointing a finger at her playfully.

“Deal,” Amelia agreed, amusement swimming in her eyes.  “I’ll cook for you instead,” she offered.

“I am liking this roommate thing already,” Meredith chuckled.

/ / /

Addison felt like her world was crumbling down in pieces around her.  Every hope and dream she had envisioned for her life with Derek was gone, like she had blinked, and suddenly everything was different.

She could barely string a coherent sentence together when she had called Naomi, garbling out that she needed her to come over.

She couldn’t fathom how somehow this is what had become of her life.  Yesterday she was living in blissful ignorance, waiting for the man she loved to propose and then today everything had changed and she had found herself mourning for the last four years of her life.

Naomi would in all likelihood try to food-medicate her – that was her thing, putting a layer of food over her misery.

Addison wiped her tears and got up when she heard knocking on her front door.

“Addison, it’s me,” Naomi called out.

She made her way over to the door as if in a daze and opened it to reveal the concerned face of her best friend.

“Addie, what happened?”  Naomi asked as she took in the distressed state of her friend.  Addison’s eyes were puffy and red as she let Naomi in and they walked into living room.  Addison turned to Naomi and let out a strangled sob.

“Derek left me,” she cried.  

Naomi sighed and pulled her friend into her arms and let her cry it out. She had seen the warning signs, but she never thought it would actually happen. They were Derek and Addison.

/ / /

Meredith’s mind was lingering between sleep and consciousness.  Her thoughts flickered between last night, Derek, and their _almost_ kiss.  She wanted to kiss him, but she couldn’t, because she wasn’t that type of girl.  Not to mention, she didn’t see what Derek could possibly see in her when he had such a gorgeous girlfriend like Addison.  Her thoughts then switched back to last night.  There were bits and pieces she was remembering.  Nothing about how Derek found her, but her dancing with Gabe and then…then the phone call.  She could feel the fear as she remembered calling Derek. She had been scared, and all she had wanted was Derek.

The sound of the front door opening jarred Meredith from her memories, but she didn’t open her eyes.  She heard footsteps walking toward the spot where she was lying on Derek’s couch.

She knew it was Derek; it was like her whole body was attuned to him.

“Are you watching me sleep?”  Meredith smirked, still not opening her eyes.

Derek brushed away Meredith’s hair, which had fallen over her eyes.  His action was gentle and his face wore an expression of marvel.

“Maybe,” he murmured as he rested the paper bag on the coffee table next to him.

“What are you some kind of weirdo who watches women sleep?” she mocked him, opening her eyes and blinking the sleep away.

“Funny. I was waking you for lunch.”  He chuckled as he began to unpack two chicken salads and some water out of the paper bag, and set them out on the coffee table.  Meredith sat up and quirked an eyebrow as she scrutinized Derek’s choice of lunch.  

“You mean waking me for the worst hangover cure in the history of hangover cures.” She scrunched her nose, wishing it were some burgers and fries.

“You know what’s even better, not drinking at all, so you _don’t_ get a hangover.”  Derek poked her in the ribs and Meredith giggled.

“Funny. You’re a funny man,” she bantered back at him.

“Eat your lunch and be grateful,” he joked, scrunching up the brown paper bag and getting up to deposit it into the bin in the kitchen nearby.

“Yes, Dr. Shepherd,” Meredith saluted as she opened the plastic cover of the salad and began to dig in; she was admittedly hungry after throwing up most of her breakfast.  “Ok, so admittedly this is really good…you know, as far as salads go,” she amended.

“So you’re admitting my hangover cure is the best.”  He grinned as he sat down on the couch beside her and began to eat his own salad.

“No, I am merely just _stating_ that the salad is really good…I admit nothing!” she denied nonchalantly.

“Whatever you say, _nurse_ ,” Derek mocked.  Meredith elbowed Derek in the ribs.

“Have you not learned anything from Sloan?” she teased.  Derek smirked and put his hands up in defeat.

“Apologies, Nurse Grey,” he murmured, popping a tomato in his mouth.

“Don’t let it happen again, Dr. Shepherd,” she playfully warned as she continued to eat her salad.  They fell into a comfortable silence as they both continued to eat.  “You’re kind of a health nut, aren’t you,” Meredith stated, breaking the silence.

“What?”  Derek murmured, puzzled at her random question.

“You buy me salad as a hangover cure, you always eat something healthy at the hospital and I’d dare to wager that the muesli you have in the cupboard _isn’t_ Mark’s because he doesn’t look like the kind of guy who enjoys to eat twigs and leaves,” Meredith shrugged.  

She scrunched up her nose.  _Now I sound like some kind of a stalker._ She groaned inwardly.  There were times when Meredith wished she remembered to use a filter instead of saying whatever popped into her head.

“Nothing wrong with being healthy…sides better than the crap you eat,” Derek accused.  Meredith raised an eyebrow at him in amusement.  “Oh yeah, I see what you pack away,” he teased.  “If you aren’t careful you’ll have a coronary before you are thirty.”

“Please, I’m eighteen, I’m like a fetus… you on the other hand…”

“Are you calling me old?”  Derek scoffed in amusement.  

“Hey, if the shoe fits.”  She grinned as she wiped her hands on a napkin.

“Just so you know, I am a little offended…but it’s a moot point anyway,” Derek replied as he stood up and began to gather their empty salad bowls.

“Moot?” she questioned, playful amusement dancing in her eyes.

“Oh yes,” Derek murmured, beginning to walk to the kitchen, but turned and wore a devilish smirk.  “Health nut, remember.”  He pointed to himself playfully before turning back to the kitchen and disposing of their food.  Meredith laughed.  Derek returned and sat back down beside her.

“Are you feeling better?”  Derek asked, his voice serious once again.

“Yeah, much,” Meredith murmured as she glanced down at her watch.  “Crap, I have to get home, I have to work tomorrow and I have to study for a quiz.”  Meredith rambled, beginning to panic.  She had forgotten all about it, time had ceased to matter since she woke up with Derek this morning.

“Relax, I’ll take you home now.”  Derek grinned at her minor meltdown.  

He stood up and grabbed his coat while Meredith busied herself gathering her things.  She was supposed to change out of Derek’s clothes but she felt so comfortable, and as pathetic as she _knew_ she sounded to herself, she liked feeling this close to him.  His clothes smelled like laundry detergent, aftershave and most importantly, they smelled like Derek.  She walked back out to the living room and they both walked out of the apartment to Derek’s car.

They were comfortably silent once more, the silence only broken as Meredith murmured directions to her apartment.  Derek pulled up in front of her apartment complex and exited.  Meredith hadn’t expected that, but Derek was ever the gentleman he was raised to be and walked her up to her apartment.  Meredith moved to open her apartment door, but Derek placed his hand over Meredith’s to stop her.  She turned around to face him with a frown marring her features.

“About last night-” Derek began to ask.

“Can we not talk about it and pretend it didn’t happen?” she sighed, looking down at her feet.

“Like we are going to pretend we didn’t _almost_ kiss yesterday morning?”  Derek tilted Meredith’s chin up so he could see her eyes.

“What kiss? There was _no_ kiss because there could _never_ be a kiss. You have a girlfriend!”  Meredith warned him.

“Yesterday I had a girlfriend. Today, however, I don’t,” Derek murmured, stepping toward Meredith, his hand moving up to cup Meredith’s cheek.  Meredith stepped back until her back was flush up against her apartment door.

“You broke up with Addison?” she questioned, sounding a little breathless.  Derek stroked her cheek.

“Yes," he confirmed.  “It’s been a long time coming, I should have done it awhile ago so that yesterday, when I _wanted_ to kiss you, I could have kissed you like this-” He captured her stunned lips.  She stood frozen for a moment and then she kissed him back.  She felt the world stop.  All too soon he pulled away. “There would have be no stopping, no guilt for wanting another woman. I just would have kissed you like that.”

Meredith was still stunned as she stared into his blue eyes.  He wanted her.  She didn’t understand, why he, of all people, could possibly want her.  She felt like she had swallowed an ice cube as it dawned on her again.  _He just broke up with Addison._ Her subconscious warned her.

“Derek, we…you can’t possibly…you can’t be saying-” she began to stutter.

“I wanted to kiss you like that yesterday, that’s all I am saying.”  He sensed her panic.  She was like a deer in the woods and he didn’t want to scare her off.  He brushed a strand of hair behind her left ear and stepped away from her.  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”  

He grinned, then he walked back down the hall.  Meredith could hear her blood pumping in her ears as she stood there, stunned.

“See you!”  Meredith called to his retreating form.

Just like that, she was falling for him. Hard.

/ / /

Meredith slammed her locker shut and stuffed her stethoscope into the pocket of her scrub pants.  Her lips were still burning from Derek’s kiss yesterday.  

She wrapped her arms around herself and took a deep breath, trying to shake Derek out of her thoughts before heading for the door to start her day.  She yanked the door open and collided with something hard. She stepped back to collect herself and as she glanced up she was met with the object of her thoughts.  She rolled her eyes at him then side stepped him.

“You’re here early,” she commented, trying to sound bored.  Derek strode after Meredith and fell in step beside her.

“I scrubbed in on a chordotomy early this morning and thought I might buy you breakfast,” Derek answered, his voice chipper, too chipper for Meredith’s liking.

“I’ve already eaten,” she responded, dryly.

“What’d you have?” he pressed further.  

“None of your business," she snapped, but not meaning to. She was just well aware that Addison worked in this very same hospital and she didn’t want to have some kind of run in with the redhead.

“Are you a cereal person? Straight out of the box? Or all fruit and fiber-y?”  He laughed.  “Pancakes? Do you like pancakes?” he continued.  

Meredith stopped and turned around to face him. “Fine, leftover grilled cheese. Curiosity satisfied?” she deadpanned.

“That’s sad. It’s pathetic. A good day starts with a good breakfast,” Derek teased her.  Meredith sighed and looked around to see Addison, her resident and a group of other interns working on charts at the nurses' station.  Panicked, Meredith pushed Derek back around the corner out of their line of view, but not before Addison and her resident saw them.

“Look, I’m not being seen with you in this hospital,” Meredith whispered in warning.  Derek’s jovial expression turned into a frown.

“Why? Because of Addison?”

“Yes, because of Addison!” she growled at him, frustrated at his lack of concern.  “I don’t need her going all cage-fighter on me!” she spat out.

“I don’t think Addie would risk her nail job,” Derek joked lightly.  

Meredith rolled her eyes. “You are impossible, you know that?” she scoffed.  

Derek sighed and placed both his hands on either of her shoulders.

“Shepherd!”  Addison’s resident called from around the corner.

“Oh, look, you’re being summoned,” Meredith smirked and took her opportunity to escape.  Derek sighed, staring after her retreating form.

“Shepherd, get over here!”  Dr. Morrison yelled.  Derek strode back around the corner to the nurses' station.  “Alright, you guys are with me for the length of this shift, Manning is out sick today,” she explained, before ushering her eight interns to follow her.  

Addison gave Derek a sour look before turning around and following her resident.  Sam raised an eyebrow at Derek and Mark smirked catching on to what might be wrong with Addison.

“Don’t ask,” he warned both of them as they caught up with Dr. Morrison and the rest of the interns.  Morrison ushered them into a patient’s room.  Derek’s breath caught as he watched Meredith changing the patient’s IV.

“Henry Lamott, age forty-two, is scheduled with Dr. Wiley for a spinal implant…” Addison began to present the case as the patient grabbed the television remote and turned the volume up on the movie he was watching.

“Oh. Mmm. Yeah,” sounded from the television followed by the sound of a group of girls giggling.  Nobody had noticed the sounds yet as they listened raptly to Addison, who didn’t skip a beat.

“…to control the pain of his herniated disc. He's allergic to all pain medication…” she continued.

“Ooh. Mmh.”  

Everyone finally heard the sounds and glanced around to find the source of the moaning. They all looked up at the television and their eyes widened in shock.  Addison’s jaw hung open as she realized what was playing on the screen.

“Is that…?” she squinted, a questioning look on her face.

“Porn.”  Mrs. Lamott answered with nonchalance.  She continued knitting, seemingly unbothered by the explicit material her husband was watching.  A frown crossed Dr. Morrison’s face who hadn’t caught on to what was going on just yet.  

“Porn?” Morrison questioned as she followed the gazes of her interns. Her eyes widened as she saw three naked women decked only stethoscopes, playfully soaping each other up in a shower.  “As in porn?!?!”  She exclaimed loudly.

“Alright. What are we watching?”  Mark smirked.

“Sloan! Go stand in the hall.”  Morrison pointed him out.  Mark chuckled as he left the room.  “Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Lamott, I’m sure you are really nice people and what you do in the privacy of your own…Look, we can’t have porn in here. This is a hospital.”

“It’s for my pain. My doc says it releases endorphins in the brain and helps keep my pain at a manageable level," Henry explained as he continued to watch the nurses who were starting to go down on one another.  

Meredith bit her lip trying not to laugh as she snapped a new set of gloves on and began to clean the top of Henry’s hand so she could put a new cannula in.  Derek and the rest of the interns were finding the situation as amusing as she was.

“Really?”  Dr. Bennett asked, responding to Henry’s explanation.

“Bennett! Hall!” Morrison kicked him out as well.  Sam walked out a little strangely, trying to use his lab coat to hide his ever-present erection, embarrassed. He was happily married, but he was like any man susceptible to his own desires.

“What is this?”  Dr. Natalie Hayes, one of Derek’s fellow interns, asked.

Mrs Lamott dropped her knitting in her lap as she watched Meredith insert his new cannula.  She listened to the sound of the television for a moment. “Nasty, Naughty Nurses…um…” She answered and glanced back at the television.  “Four.”  

Meredith scrunched her nose up for a moment, feeling a little awkward.  Meredith glanced up at the television along with Derek, Addison and Natalie.

“That does not look comfortable,” Addison remarked as they watched one of the nurses manoeuvre her entire body into the shape of a ‘C,’ her back curved perfectly and her arms lying flat for balance. Her partner, adorned only in his stethoscope makes his way into the scene, he parts his legs a little and shuffles over her until his cock is aligned perfectly with her vagina.  He positions her right leg in the shape of a backward ‘L,’ and to improve his own balance he wraps his hand around her left leg which remains extended.  He slams into the nurse with one powerful thrust, pulling out until his tip teases her entrance and slams back in.

“Trust me, it’s not.”  Meredith shuddered and cringed, before she connected Henry’s IV.  Derek, Addison and Natalie just stared at Meredith in shock, their mouths open.  Meredith shrugged and left the patient’s room.  Morrison scowled at her interns.

“Get in the hall!”  She ushered them out.  “Morgansen and Bennett you are both in the pit. Hopkins and Gregory, clinic. Hayes, Plastics. Montgomery, Dr. Carlsmith has requested you in OB/GYN. Sloan, stick with the Lamotts; I don’t want any funny business. Shepherd, help run the ER, any surgical patients feel free to scrub in if the attending requests you,” and she left.

Addison lingered a moment longer, wanting to say something to Derek but thought better of it.  She gave him a scowl and headed off to find her attending.  Derek sighed; he knew the aftermath of their breakup wouldn’t be easy.  He began to head toward the elevator to go down to the ER.  He spotted Meredith waiting in front of it.  He smiled as he quietly walked up to her unsuspecting form.

“You’ve done that before?”  Derek’s incredulous voice broke through her thoughts and startled her. She put her hand on her heart to feel her racing heartbeat.

“What?” she answered, her back still toward him.

“Oh, you know what,” Derek scoffed as he sauntered up right beside her.

“Oh, that!” she exclaimed, pretending to finally catch onto him.  “What do you think, because I'm eighteen I’m some kind of holy virgin?” She deadpanned as the ding of the elevator chimed and the doors opened.  

Derek grinned as they both stepped onto the elevator. Meredith hit the button for the ground floor and stepped to the back of the elevator.  Derek stood in front of her with his back turned.  

“I’m not going out with you,” she warned him off.

“Did I ask if you would go out with me? Do you want to go out with me?”  Derek teased.

“I am not dating you and I am _definitely_ not kissing you again. You just broke up with your girlfriend,” she rambled, grasping at straws.

“Exactly, I broke up with my girlfriend.”

“You’re my friend and I am your sisters friend and my friend is _your_ sister!” she ranted.  He loved it when she ranted.

“I’m your mother, I’m your daughter,” he countered, mocking her.

“You’re sexually harassing me!” she accused.

“I’m riding an elevator.”  He rolled his eyes.

“Look, I am drawing a line. The line is drawn. There is a big line,” she said, her voice becoming breathless.

“So this line…” he drawled, turning around to face her.  His eyes almost twinkled as he smirked at her.  “Is it imaginary or do I need to get you a marker?” he teased, dirty dancing in his eyes.

Meredith felt the final thread of control snap as she dropped her files onto the elevator floor and practically launched herself at Derek.  Her lips met his as his back connected with the wall of the elevator.  Fighting for dominance, Derek flipped them around so her back was to the wall.  The kiss was passionate and frantic. Derek deepened the kiss as he pulled Meredith’s head closer to his, while Meredith latched her arms around Derek’s neck.  She pushed him against the wall once more, never breaking the kiss.

_Ding_

The sound of the elevator announcing the arrival to the ground floor reverberated through the cab as the doors began to open.  Meredith disentangled herself from Derek in a hurry and bent down to gather up her files before swiftly walking out of the elevator.

“So, we’ll talk later?”  Derek called after her, a sheepish grin on his face as he headed in the direction of the ER.  

When Derek pushed the double doors open, he was met with a flurry of activity.  Gurneys were being pushed by orderlies in all directions, nurses, residents and doctors hurrying around calling orders to one another.

“Hey, are you the doctor they sent down?”

Derek was jarred from his thoughts and met with the harried expression of a nurse.

“Uh…yeah,” Derek stuttered, gathering his wits.

“We’ve got a rape victim, you’d better get in there.”  The nurse explained, pointing to the trauma room behind her before returning back into the room herself.  

Derek swiftly followed her and took in the horrible sight before him.  The woman was bruised all over her body and there were cuts on her face.  He could feel his stomach churning as he took in every aspect of her battered body.  He could never fathom how anyone could do this to another human being.  

Derek shook himself out of his reverie and pulled his penlight out of his front lab coat pocket.

“Call CT and let them know I’m coming and get her on a portable monitor,” Derek ordered as he checked the patient’s pupils.  

Derek’s eyes zeroed in on a leopard pair of flat shoes sitting in a plastic sleeve, which obviously belonged to his patient.  He had seen Meredith walk in today with those _exact_ same shoes, and in that moment he felt himself realizing this woman could have easily been Meredith, just the night before.  He had felt so helpless when he first received her terrified call, like he wouldn’t recover if he’d been too late.  

Derek snapped his stethoscope into his ears and listened to his patient’s heartbeat, as a wave of realization washed upon him: he was in love with her.

It wasn’t just strong feelings, it was love.  He had fallen for her so hard and so fast it was almost surreal.

/ / /

Meredith stood in front of the nursery watching the babies inside.  Some were pulling adorable faces, others grabbing their legs.  Meredith found herself enveloped in calm; all her worries washed away every time she would come up here and watch them.  To an outsider, one would assume that Meredith was maternal and wanted children, even though Meredith felt like the _last_ person who would have any maternal feelings whatsoever, considering her upbringing. Ellis had been about as nurturing as a steak knife.  It wasn’t that Meredith vehemently didn’t want children, nor was she opposed to them, it was more the fear that, should she ever have a child, she would screw them up.  She was afraid that her mother's shortcomings as a parent would ultimately rub off on her and any child of hers would suffer for it.

“Hey,” Lauren murmured, placing a hand on Meredith’s shoulder and jarring her from her own thoughts.  “Figured this would be the last place I would find you, considering Montgomery is on Carlsmith’s service.”  Lauren leaned against the glass wall, raising an eyebrow.  Meredith rolled her eyes.

“How has anyone figured that out?” she groaned.

“Are you kidding? Montgomery glaring at Shepherd every chance she gets, coupled with Shepherd’s puppy-dog glances in your direction, it wasn’t that hard. Hell, we all called it after your second day here. In fact, there’s a rather large betting pool on how long it takes the two of you to get together,” Lauren teased.

“You’re betting on us?”  Meredith snapped incredulously.

“Well yeah, how else do you think we keep ourselves entertained?”  Lauren winked playfully.  Meredith simply shook her head, mildly amused.  It was no secret the nurses were always on the front line of the gossip field.  If you wanted to know anything about anyone, ask a nurse.  “Well, all bets aside, I need to transfer you to the Neuro ICU for the rest of the week. A few of the regular nurses are out sick with this flu that’s going around.”

“Ok, on my way,” Meredith nodded, tossing her coffee into a bin beside her, then strode down the hall, opting to take the stairs.

She dashed up a couple of flights and made her way onto the floor towards the nurses' station.  Meredith did a quick round of her patients before coming to her last one.  Derek was sitting in a chair inside the patient’s cubicle, keeping close vigil.  She noticed immediately how tired he looked.

“Hey,” Meredith whispered, as she opened the sliding door to the ICU room.

“Hey,” he murmured back, a smile gracing his tired features.

“Have you been sitting here all this time?”  Meredith asked.

“Yeah. You know, I have four sisters? Very girly, tons of kids. If I was in a coma they'd all be here. I'd want them here. Not having no one, I can't imagine that,” Derek mused, shaking his head as he stood up from his chair and stretched his body.

“I can,” Meredith murmured, almost inaudibly.

“What are you talking about? What about your mother? She'd be here ordering all the surgeons around. She'd fly these cowboys in from Prague to do these amazing medical procedures,” Derek replied as they both walked out of the cubicle and shut the door.

“Yes, but the thing is, I’d be wondering if she was doing it to be Dr. Ellis Grey or because she actually cared,” she remarked, looking down at her feet.  Derek didn’t miss the sadness that lingered at the edges of each word.

“She’s your mother, there should be no question there,” Derek said, trying to wrap his mind around what Meredith was implying.

“I know, but if you knew what I grew up with, you’d understand why I’d question it,” she murmured.  Derek simply nodded, his upbringing was clearly so different to hers it saddened him. “So, we’re kissing but we’re not dating?”  He teased her in an effort to lighten the melancholy mood and change the course of their conversation.

“I knew this was going to come up,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Don’t get me wrong, I like the kissing. I am all for the kissing. More kissing I say!”  Derek grinned.

“I have no idea what that was about,” she denied, swiftly.

“Is it going to happen again? Let me know next time, I’ll bring breath mints. Put a condom in my wallet.”  He winked at her playfully.

“Shut up, now,” she admonished.  Derek simply snickered.

“She has the same shoes as you,” he stated, after a moment of silence.

A frown graced Meredith’s features. “What?”

“Allison,” he nodded to the woman laying in the ICU bed before them.  “She was wearing the same leopard print shoes you wore this morning.”

“Oh,” Meredith responded, not sure what Derek was trying to say.  “Should I be appropriately freaked out that you know what shoes I wear or the fact you notice women’s shoes altogether?”  Meredith mocked him.

“Okay, I don’t notice women’s shoes…just ignore me I’m just tired,” Derek dismissed, almost embarrassed.

“You know, I was up in Paeds and there are all these babies. They’re brand new; no one has neglected them or damaged them. How do we get from there to here? She’s wearing my shoes and somebody beat the crap out of her,” Meredith murmured, before being absorbed by her own thoughts about her mother, Derek, and even Allison.

“Meredith, are you ok?”  Derek asked, a concerned frown across his features.

“Yeah,” she answered, jerking out of her thoughts.  “I just…I have to go,” she sighed and began to walk away.

“Meredith!”  Derek called to her retreating form.  She turned to face him.  “I get it, you want to wait to be respectful so I'm going to ask you out and you are going to say no, but then I’m just going to keep asking and I’ll warn you, I can be very persistent. So persistent that one day you’re going to cave and say yes. So why delay the inevitable? Have breakfast with me tomorrow.”  He grinned.  

Meredith grinned back and shook her head at his ego.  He was right however, Meredith knew she would one day say yes, since she would want to say yes every time she'd say no.

“Okay, yes,” she agreed with a wide smile, before turning around and walking back to the nurses station.

_“At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know. If you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side... is spectacular."_


	6. Leaning Into The Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voiceovers have been borrowed from the show, all credit to Shonda and ABC.

**Chapter Six**  
_Leaning Into The Fear  
_

_“You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming who'd carry you away to a castle on a hill... You'd lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming. They were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up. One day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely 'cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true.”_

Meredith stepped from the cab and closed the door behind her.  She could feel her heart thrumming in her chest as she took a deep breath in and then slowly exhaled.  She was nervous which was a novelty for her because Meredith Grey does not do nervous.

She knew why.  This time was different; it wasn’t empty like all her other sexual escapades.  Derek wasn’t some nameless stranger that she would sleep with and then kick him out the next morning.  She felt something for him, the kind of feeling she believed she would _never_ experience and even more so convinced herself she didn’t _want_ to feel.  Meredith had long convinced herself that relationships only ended badly and she never wanted to feel that kind of pain, she had experienced enough pain to last her a lifetime.

But Derek was different and she found herself leaning into her fears and throwing all caution to the wind.

She composed herself once more trying to calm her racing heart.  She had agreed to meet Derek at this intimate cafe for their breakfast date.  The building was half hidden from the busy foot path; its tall hedges hid the garden dining area away from the busy New York streets and gave an illusion of privacy to the diners.

She stepped through a wrought-iron archway into the garden area, finding Derek sitting at a nearby table under a tree.

“Morning,” Derek greeted, a grin lacing his features as he noticed her walking to their table.

“Hey,” Meredith greeted, a nervous smiled gracing her features.

Derek wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed her cheek and then helped her into her chair; handing her a menu.

Meredith bounced her leg up and down under the table, her nerves getting the best of her.  She watched Derek sit back down in his own chair and picking up his own menu.  Distracting herself she began to read from the breakfast menu, her left hand tapping on the table top.

Derek could see she was visibly nervous.  Smiling to himself he reached over and placed his hand over Meredith’s, stopping her tapping.  She dropped her menu and glanced up at Derek, biting her lip.

“It’s just you and me here, just like normal,” He assured her.

She sighed, “I know, it’s just...well I have never done this before!”  She groaned, leaning back into her chair, her hands covering her face.

“Have breakfast?”  Derek teased, finding her nervousness adorable.

Meredith shot him a glare, “Don’t make fun of me! I’ve never dated anyone before!”  She admitted.

“Meredith, I am not ticking off some kind of mental checklist here, so relax.”  He promised, squeezing her head in reassurance.  “Are you ready to order?”  He asked.

“Umm, yeah,”  She nodded, exhaling a breath she didn't know she was holding.

Derek motioned a waitress over to them.

“Can I take your order?”  The waitress named Tina asked, her notepad and pen at the ready.

“Yeah, I’ll have a Latte and the Eggs Benedict with a side of fresh fruit,”  Derek swiftly answered. “Mere?”  He asked.

“Umm, I’ll have the same, except I’d like some Avocado on my Eggs Benedict, “ Meredith replied, handing her menu over to the waitress.

“Coming right up,” Tina replied, as she scribbled their order down and departing their table.

“The same huh, did you even read the menu?”  Derek teased her.

Meredith scoffed, leaning back into her chair again, “I like Eggs Benedict!”  She defended.

“Well in that case I will have to cook it for you sometime,” Derek flirted, making Meredith blush.

“I’ll have to hold you to that,” Meredith smiled coyly, flirting right back.  Her nerves began to slowly dissipate.

“So, what are your plans for today?”  Derek inquired.

“Well, I have a class and then I am helping your sister move into my apartment,”  She replied as their waitress returned with their coffees.

“Amy’s moving in with you?”  He smiled, surprised by the turn of events.  Normally he would have heard this kind of news from Amy as she was usually so eager to regale him with the minor details of her life.

“Didn’t she call you to help, because she said she would?”  She asked, a frown marring her features.

“Knowing my sister, she’ll probably call an hour before,” he scoffed, shaking his head.   “Are we going to tell Amy we are together?”  Derek knew it would be harder to keep it quiet now his sister is living with his girlfriend.

“I don’t want to go behind her back, but…” She bit her lip.  Truthfully she was scared of Amelia’s reaction.  She was her best friend but Derek is her brother.  She wasn’t sure how Amelia would feel about her dating her brother or how she feels about Derek ending his relationship with Addison.  “I don’t know, there’s the Addison thing, and this is new, I just don’t know.”  She sighed as she took a sip from her Latte.

“We can hold off for a little, but we will need to tell her. Addison went to college with my sister Nancy, and they are very close, so she may confide in her. Problem is, my sister isn’t known for keeping her mouth shut, so sooner or later this will get back to Amy-”

“And I would rather she hear it from me,” Meredith finished, sighing in resignation.  She knows she has to tell Amy, she even wants to tell her, but a selfish part of her just wants it to be just her and Derek for awhile.

Tina interrupted, placing their breakfast gently in front of them.  She offered a small courteous smile before departing.

“Let’s just see what happens this afternoon,” Derek said, hoping Meredith wouldn’t stress herself over it.  He knew his sister and her only concern would be his happiness and he was happy.  It had been awhile since Derek could honestly admit that to himself.  “So tell me something about Meredith Grey that I don’t know?”

“What?” She coughed, as her latte went down her windpipe.

“Well that’s what you do on a first date, you get to know each other,” he teased.

“Funny,” she rolled her eyes as she wiped some foam off the top of her lip. “If I told you, you’d get a glimpse at the dark and twisty underneath the Meredith Grey surface and promptly run in the other direction,” she said dryly, completely serious.

“I highly doubt that, besides I don’t scare easy. I have my dark too. Let’s start simple. When did you know that you wanted to be a surgeon?” he asked as he took as sip from his coffee.

“I was ten and it was Christmas and my mother got me my very first suture kit. Which now as I think of it she probably stole from the hospital but I loved it regardless. I used it till my fingers bled and then I tried to use it to stitch up my fingers,” Meredith grinned and Derek chuckled as he began picturing that scene in his mind.  “That’s when I knew. When we went back to school my teacher had us all, one-by-one, tell the class what we got for Christmas. When it was my turn I gushed all about my amazing suture kit. My teacher was absolutely horrified because as it turns out it's kind of a creepy gift for a ten-year-old. What about you?”

“Ok, my mother's maiden name, Maloney. I have four sisters. I have, uh, five nieces. Two nephews. I like coffee ice cream, single-malt scotch, occasionally a good cigar. I like to fly fish. And I cheat when I do the crossword puzzle on Sunday. And I never dance in public. Um, favorite novel, The Sun Also Rises. Favorite band, The Clash.  My favorite color is blue. I don't like light blue, indigo,” Derek rattled off animatedly the minor details of his life, hoping it would help Meredith feel more comfortable in opening up to him.  “This scar right here on my forehead,” He pointed. “That's why I don't ride motorcycles anymore. Mark has been my best friend since we were both seven, when I took pity on him and brought him home after his parents forgot to pick him up from school once again. He basically never left. My father was murdered when I was twelve and Amy was five. We were both in the back of my Dad’s shop when it happened. Two guys came in, they took all the money and then they wanted my father’s watch. But he wouldn’t give it up because my mom had saved up for it as an anniversary present. So they shot him. That’s how my dad died.”

Meredith was rendered speechless, “Derek..I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok. Like I said, I have my dark too,” he dismissed but Meredith could see that sadness in his eyes.

“My father abandoned my mother and I when I was five. One day he just walked out the door and never came back. I remember waiting by the door everyday after school, just expecting him to walk back through it. But he never did. I’d trade his life for your father’s any day,” her voice held a tinge of anger. Anger because he walked on her leaving her in the inept care of her mother and anger for Derek and his family who had a father and a husband who loved them and he was torn from them.

“Somehow that’s worse. I know my dad would give anything to be with us. I can’t understand how any parent would willingly walk away from their child,” he shook his head in contempt as he laid a few bills on the table to pay for their breakfast.  

“You’d have to ask him,” Meredith said bitterly as she checked her watch for the time.  She was immediately disappointed to see it was time for her to go otherwise she wouldn’t make her class.  “I have to go,” she said regretfully.  Derek nodded and stood up and walked over beside her and held his hand out to Meredith, which she took.  Derek wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed the side of her head and they casually walked out and back onto the street.  He turned to her, cupped the sides of her face and kissed her.  Meredith immediately responded, deepening the kiss and wrapping her arms around his neck.  All too soon, Derek pulled away.

“Until this afternoon,” his voice low, sexy and full of flirtation.  He signaled for a cab which immediately pulled up to the curb, he opened the back door for her.  Meredith drew him in for one final kiss.

“Until this afternoon,” she winked and stepped into the cab.

/ / /

Meredith was a little on edge as she walked toward her class at Columbia.  She worried Amelia had already heard about the break-up with Addison and her involvement with her brother.  Despite Derek not being fazed by the fact his sister had yet to contact him about helping her move into her apartment, Meredith wasn’t all that convinced.

She spotted Amelia leaning against the wall near the entrance to the auditorium.  She didn’t look angry...or in a _my new best friend is dead to me_ mood.  In fact she grinned when she spotted Meredith and slung her backpack over her shoulder and closed the distance between them.

“Hey,” Amelia greeted.

“Hi,” Meredith responded, completely relieved.  “We still on for the move today?”  She asked.

“Absolutely...I am sooo looking forward to _not_ having to wake up two hours earlier just to make the commute from mom’s to classes.”  Amelia affirmed as they walked into the auditorium.  “I actually just got off the phone with my brother and both he and Mark are helping so we should get all my stuff moved in one run.”  She continued as they both found their seats at the back of the room.

“You _just_ called your brother now?”  Meredith admonished.

“Well yeah, I am his little sister after all, it’s my civic duty to annoy him as much as possible.”  Amelia grinned.

“You are terrible.”  Meredith rolled her eyes.

“I know.”  Amelia confirmed, a satisfied grin on her face.

They both took out their books and settled into their lecture or what they had termed ‘Fordson weekly torture.’  Her other classes were so interesting, but Fordson was such a drone that he made the idea of shooting oneself in the head with a nail gun, more appealing.

/ / /

Derek threw Mark’s leather jacket at Mark’s face, ignoring his current conquest wrapped around him.

“Dude!”  Mark complained, pushing the jacket away as his conquest covers herself with a sheet.

“Get dressed, we are helping Amy move,”  Derek states, not asking.  He hands the brunette her clothes and smiles in amusement.  “It’s nice meeting you…”

“Alecia.”  She answered.

“Hi, well I am sure Mark will call.”  He didn’t mean a single word.  For as long as he has known Mark, he has _never_ called a woman back.  Alecia put her top back on and gathered up her purse and jacket.  Derek guided her out the door.

“What the hell! It’s bad for a man’s health to interrupt sex half-mast!”  Mark admonished.

“I’m sure you’ll live,” Derek responded, with no trace of sympathy.  “Now come on, I promised Amy we’d meet her at Ma’s at one.”  He said, pulling on his jacket.

“Why, she’s your sister?”  Mark questioned, pulling on his jacket.

“And I seem to recall a time where I brought you home and Ma practically adopting you, so she’s _your_ sister too.”  Derek affirmed.

“Alright, fine, we taking one car or two?”  Mark grumbled.

“Two, between ours and Mer’s we’ll get it done in one hit.”  Derek responded as he headed out the door with Mark following.

“Meredith’s going to be there?”  Mark questioned.

“Yes, because she’s moving into Meredith’s apartment.”  He explained.

“Your secret girlfriend and your sister living together, good luck ever having sex there.”  Mark teased as he got into his car.  “Speaking of, you planning on telling her you broke up with Addie and are now banging her best friend?”

“First of all, what Meredith and I do or don’t do isn’t your business,” Derek warned.  “Secondly...we’ll tell her at some point.”  Derek trailed off.

“Defensive, so I take it you _haven’t_ done anything…”. Mark smirked, his eyes swimming with mirth.

“None of your business.”  Derek walked ahead, dismissing him.

“You better tell your sister before she finds out from someone else.”  Mark warned, suddenly very serious.

“I know.”  Derek sighed as he stepped inside his car and shutting the door.  Mark watched as Derek starts the engine and pulled out into the street.   He pondered Mark’s words.  Amy loved Addison like a sister and preferred her over our actual sisters.  She would be pissed at first, but he really did like to think she would understand in the end.  His other sisters, especially Nancy...well he knew he is likely to have his ear chewed off in the near future.  As for how they would take that he was together with Meredith, that he didn't have a definitive answer to.  He knew he could live with his sisters ire and as for Amy he liked to think she would be fine with it, especially if she knew he was happy, but he knew he would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit he worried getting in between Amy and Meredith’s newly formed friendship.

The time of the journey to his mother’s slipped by quickly as his thoughts consumed him and all too soon he was pulling into his mother’s driveway.  He stepped out of his car just as Mark’s car pulled up beside him.

Derek walked up the driveway to the front door with Mark trailing behind.  Opening the door, his ears became engulfed in the sound of laughter, _her_ laughter.  A smile forming on his face, his worries long forgotten he began walking toward the staircase.

“Derek!” He heard his mother calling to him, coming out of the kitchen.

“Ma.” He greeted back, changing direction he walked to her and gave her a hug.

She placed her hands on both sides of his shoulders and stood back to look at him.  It was as if she was checking that he was healthy and well.  Once she seemed happy with her assessment, she place a hand on his cheek before pulling him into a hug once more.  “So good to see you.”  Stepping back she moved to envelope Mark in a hug before appraising him like she had done with Derek.  “Mark.”  She greeted.  “I hope you're remembering to wash your hands before surgery.”  She scolded him.  Derek snorted in amusement.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”  Mark asked, feigned confusion.

“Oh you know _exactly_ what I mean dear boy.”  She deadpanned, giving him a light tap on the side of his cheek.  She turned back to Derek.  “I believe the girls are about finished packing up, they should be down in a bit.”  She explained as she ushered both men into her kitchen.  “I have to say, I really like Meredith, such a lovely girl, they have struck up quite the friendship.”  She continued as she put the kettle on.

“Yeah, they are really close.”  Derek agreed as he went to the cupboard to get down some mugs for the coffee his mother was making.  “You don’t have to worry about Amy, they look after each other.”  He assured her.  He knew his mother constantly worried about his sister, he did too, but not with Meredith.  She was the first friend his sister had had that that wasn’t a terrible influence or just using Amy for their own benefit.

“She’s got a mean streak you know,”  Mark remarked.  “She’s yet to apologize for torturing me at work the other day.”  He complained.  His day of poop had yet to be forgotten.

Carolyn raised an eyebrow, one hand on the side of her hip, “Be rude to a nurse and you get what you deserve.”  She warned, finger jabbing him in the chest.

“Me. Rude? Never!”  He denied, a smirk on his face.

“Oh never you.”  Carolyn responded sarcastically as Meredith and Amelia entered the kitchen.

“Still walking around like a wounded animal I see.”  Meredith smirked at Mark.

Amelia looked around, as if she had lost something.  “Where’s Addie?”  She asked.  Derek opened his mouth a few times, not expecting this to come up so suddenly.  From the corner of his eye he could see Meredith tensing up beside Amy.

“Um...well...Addison and I have broken up,”  He explained, looking down at his feet before looking back up at his sister.

“What!?”  She questioned, shocked.

“It just wasn’t going to work out.”  Derek explained feeling very uncomfortable.  He poured himself some coffee and leaned against the counter as he took a sip.

“Are you stupid? Do you have a brain tumour?”  Amelia growled, just unable to understand why her brother would end things with someone who was so perfect.  

“Well it’s about time.”  Carolyn remarked, bringing her mug of coffee to her lips and taking a sip.  Derek and Amelia’s heads turning in their mother’s direction.  That was the last thing either of them had expected to hear from their mother.

“Ma!”  Amelia scolded her before turning back to Derek, her expression angry.  

“What?”  She shrugged.  “Look Addie is a lovely girl but she was never right and clearly your brother has seen that.”

“I have,”  He agreed, although a little surprised his mother had felt that way about Addison.  “Just because she’s perfect, doesn’t mean she was right for me. I have been feeling this way for awhile now, I just wish I had ended things sooner because it drug out longer than it should have.”  Derek murmured, a little ashamed he hadn’t just pulled the band aide off in the first place.  He watched as Amelia’s face had softened a little.

“So you’re happier?”  She questioned, arms crossed across her chest.

Derek looked like he was looking right at his sister but he was in fact starting at Meredith as she fidgeted nervously.  “More than I have ever been.”  He was really speaking to Meredith, hoping to cast any shadows of doubt that may be forming inside her head.

“Ok. That’s all that matters I guess.”  She murmured.  She couldn’t pretend that she wasn’t disappointed but she also didn’t want her brother unhappy.  “We should...uh...get going.”  She pointed behind her.  Derek nodded and everyone walked out the kitchen and upstairs to move all of Amelia’s boxes to the cars.  Nobody spoke after that, minds completely focused on the task at hand.  Thirty minutes later, all three cars were packed and ready to leave.

“It was really nice to meet you Mrs. Shepherd.”  Meredith held her hand out to shake Carolyn’s.  Instead Carolyn pulled her into a hug.

Stepping back, “Mrs. Shepherd was my mother-in-law, please call me Carolyn, dear.”  She smiled before turning toward Amelia and enveloping her in a hug and then kissing her daughter’s cheek.  Stepping back and taking her daughter in, she was really feeling nostalgic as it felt like it were only yesterday that she was a baby in her arms.  “I really have an empty nest now.”  She smiled.

“Mom, it’s not like you don’t have the grandkids here almost everyday.”  Amelia reasoned, not really understanding her mother’s point.

“One day when you have children of your own, you will understand this day,”  Taking her daughters hand in her own and squeezing it before putting her arms around both Meredith and Amelia and guiding them to Meredith’s car.  “Now you two look out for one another.”  She told them.

“We will.”  Amelia promised as she got into the passenger side of the car and Meredith into the driver's seat.  Both girls waved her off and pulled out of the drive way.  Mark gave Carolyn a kiss on the cheek and followed the girls out in his own car.  

Derek to turned to his mother, “How come you never said anything?”  He asked.

“It’s your life. The hardest part about being a parent is having to allow your kids to make their own mistakes. Besides would you have listened?”  She asked, staring at her son knowingly.

“No.”  He admitted as he walked over to his own car, opening the door but not getting in.

“So...Meredith?”  She asked, turning to her son, a knowing look on her face.

“What?”  He asked, turning towards his mother and taking in her look.  Somehow his mother knew.  “How?”

“I might be old but I wasn’t born yesterday. She’s why you’re so happy, isn’t she?”  She grinned, thrilled her son was so clearly very happy and even though it was soon, she could just tell that whatever was between the two of them was special.

“Yeah...It’s still very new, and we’ve only know each other for a short time, but she’s just so...I can’t describe it, it’s like she…”  Derek tried to find the words to explain what he felt for Meredith but it was almost indescribable for him.

“Completes you,”  Finishing her son's thoughts or rather giving him the words he was trying to find. “I’d hold onto that one if I were you, she’s something special for sure.”

“That she is.”  He agreed, smiling to himself and then getting into his car. “Amelia doesn’t know yet.”  He admits to her.

“I won’t say a word.”  She promised.

/ / /

Meredith and Amelia had driven in silence for the first half of the drive back to Meredith’s apartment.  Amelia had her head lain against the window, deep in thought.

“You ok?”  Meredith dared to ask, not sure she really wanted the answer if how she felt meant she wouldn’t ultimately accept her relationship with her brother.

“Yeah, just I like Addison, I’m going to miss her is all.”  She explained.

“It’s not like you can’t still call her or like her for that matter.”  Meredith stated.

“I know, but it’d be kinda awkward, be like ‘hey, I know my brother dumped you but we can still be friends!’”  She spoke sarcastically.  “Doubtful.” She deadpanned.

“Maybe for a bit things will be weird, but if she really cares about you, I doubt she’ll treat you any differently and if she does...well she can’t have really cared about you in the first place.”  Meredith tried to assure her and she really did believe that.  The way Amelia spoke about her, she didn’t think Addison was pretending to like her for the sake of Derek.

“I hope so. As much as I love Addie and as much as I hate admitting I am wrong...I know my brother. He doesn’t do anything without thought or reason. So if he says things weren’t right between them, then it wasn’t.”  A quiet acceptance had been reached by Amelia.

“But…?”  Meredith prodded, sensing her friend had something more to say.

“I liked her and I don’t like _a lot_ of people,”  She stared at Meredith with a knowing gaze on her face. “Which pretty much means I won’t like the next one and then he’ll probably marry her and I’ll be stuck with an insufferable twat for a sister-in-law!”  She groaned.  Meredith chuckled.  “Urghh, I wish he would just date you next!”  Amelia slumped back in her seat with her arms crossed across her body.

“You’d be ok with me dating your brother?”  Meredith asked, taken aback.

“Umm, yeah. You’re about the _only_ person I actually like!”  She remarked wryly.

“I-uh...uh-um...Well you see,” Meredith stuttered taken completely off-guard.  Amelia’s acceptance. Albeit humorously, had taken her by surprise.  “I am dating your brother,” she garbled out in barely a whisper.

“What?” Amelia questioned, unable to decipher her words.

Meredith took a deep breath, “I’m dating your brother.” She finally admitted to Amelia.  She sucked in an anticipatory breath, waiting for her to yell.  It never came, instead Amelia just burst into laughter.

“Ha. Ha. Very funny,” She rolled her eyes sarcastically.  Meredith bit her lip as she turned her head to gauge Amelia, her expression serious.  Amelia’s bemused expression practically vanished from her face.  “Woah. You’re actually serious,” she slumped back into her seat, rendered shocked and speechless.  Her expression became unreadable.

“Say something, _Anything_ ,” Meredith implored her.  The silence was deafening.

“Did you break them up?” She asked, staring straight ahead.

“No. Derek had doubts about his relationship long before he met me and yeah we both started having feelings for each other but we never crossed that line either. I _swear_ I’m not that kind of girl,” Meredith spoke in earnest.

“Are you in this, like _really_ in this? Because my brother doesn’t do flings, so if you’re not you should-”

“I’m in this,” Meredith cut her off as she concentrated on turning into the parking garage and navigating to her parking spot.  She cut the engine and turned to Amelia.  “I’m in this,” she promised. “I mean, I don’t know how to be in this, but I do know that I’ve never felt this way before and the thought of screwing it up terrifies me.”

“Ok,” she nodded and then she swiftly stepped out of the car.  Meredith was stunned, rooted in her seat.  She regained her bearings just as quick and scrambled out of the car following Amelia to the back of the car.

“Ok, as in ‘ok I’m cool with you dating my brother’ or as in ‘ok you are _so_ dead to me’?” She questioned, still not quite buying her nonchalance.

“Ok as in as I said before ‘you are about the only person I actually like’,” She air quoted as she started unloading the car. “So providing you don’t start talking about my brother’s penis or how great he is in bed or basically my brother naked period, then yeah I’m ok with it,” she shrugged.  “Now are you just going to stand there, or are you going to help haul my crap upstairs?”

“Right,” she nodded, feeling relieved as she picked up a box as Mark and Derek’s cars both pulled up beside them.  Amelia stared her brother down as he stepped out of his car.

“Try not to mount your girlfriend in front of me, otherwise you’ll _so_ be paying for my therapy!” She quipped and began hauling her box to the elevator.

Derek turned to Meredith, his lips partially open in shock, “She knows?”

“Yeah, it uh, kind of just came up,” She explained and she too followed suit, hauling a box to the elevator.  Derek glanced to Mark who clapped him on the back and unloaded a box from his own car.  He fumbled at the weight of it, almost dropping the box and spilling its contents on the cement.

“What the hell does your sister have in here, bricks?” He complained.

Derek snorted, “It’s Amy, I wouldn’t half put it past her to have loaded a box with bricks purely for entertainment,” He remarked dryly as he too picked up a box and they both headed to the elevator.

For just under an hour both Derek and Mark found themselves hauling _all_ the boxes in as Meredith helped Amelia unpack them.

“Thanks for the assist ladies, couldn’t have done it without you,” Mark remarked in deep sarcasm.

“Oh no, Amelia is the lazy one,” Meredith corrected.  “I, on the other hand, was merely admiring the view.”

“Well I do have a nice ass,” Mark nodded in agreement.  Meredith walked up to Mark a sly grin on her face, pretending to appraise his physique.

“I wasn’t talking about your ass,” she remarked as she grabbed a hold off his ass. “You should hit the gym, your ass is getting kind of flabby. Nobody likes a flabby ass,” she teased.  Derek and Amelia start snorting, barely containing their laughter.  Meredith moved to stand beside Derek who pulled her to his side and kissed her on the side of her head, barely containing his amusement.

“My ass is not flabby!” He defended as he walked up to the mirror in Amelia’s room to check out his but.  “I have a great ass,” he mumbles to himself and walks back into the living room. “As much as I love being the punchline to your jokes Meredith and how much you secretly love my ass, I have work to get to," he winked at Meredith as he grabbed his black leather jacket, heading for the door.

“Can I grab a ride?” Amelia asked his retreating form.

“What are you ditching me already?”  Meredith inquired.

“Haley’s been pestering me to catch up so I’ll swing by there for a couple of hours and then I’ll be home to cook you dinner so you don’t starve,” she grinned as she grabbed her own jacket and headed out with Mark.

“So I guess it’s just you and me then,” Derek murmured as he pulled Meredith into his arms and leaned in and kissed her slowly and sensually.  His hands then crept around and grabbed her ass. “Hmm you have an adequate ass as well,” he confirmed.

Meredith slapped him playfully on the chest, “Shut up.”  She took his hand and led him to the couch to sit down. Derek pulled her onto his lap and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and began kissing him again.  Dereks hands roamed over her body as their movements became more heated.  Derek lowered Meredith onto the couch covering her body with his own.  He moved down her body to the slither of skin visible between the hem of her shirt and the tops of her shorts. His hands crept under her shirt moving it upwards revealing her creamy skin as he placed small pecks on her stomach.  His right hand moved downwards and unbuttoned her pants and he slipped his hand inside, grazing her lace-covered folds.  It was at this point that Derek could feel Meredith tense up before she sat up in obvious alarm.

“God Mer, I’m such an idiot,” he immediately berated himself for his foolishness.  Meredith began shaking her head.  “No it’s ok, I’m not going to force you to do-”

“No that’s not it!” Meredith cut him off, standing up and running her hands through her hair angrily while she began to pace.

Derek stood up, held her at arm's length to stop her from pacing, tilted her chin up, “Then what is it?”

“It wasn’t one-sided,” she admitted.

Derek frowned, clearly not understanding, “What?”

“With Gabe. It wasn’t one-sided, I did intend on sleeping with him. I had feelings for you but you were with Addison and I needed to forget so I did what I _always_ do,” she sighed as she sat back down on the couch with her head in her hands. “It’s who I am, I don’t do feelings or relationships and I don’t care that I get called a whore because I have a lot of sex or at least I _used_ to not care. I feel things with you that I have never allowed myself to feel before and it terrifies me but here I am wanting you anyway. I care what you think about me, that’s why I am telling you and now you probably don’t want anything to do with me and I get it you shouldn’t.”

Derek expression softened as he knelt down in front of her, “Well you are going to be _very_ disappointed because I want you as much as I wanted you the day I met you. Do I like the fact that others have been with you or that you were going to sleep with Gabe that night? No. Is it my right to judge? No. I may not be the first guy to be with you, but I am the first that matters.”  He tipped her chin up so he could look gaze upon her and cocked his head to the side, smiling.  

Meredith wrapped her arms around Derek and buried her head in the crook of his neck.  Derek lifted her into his arms and she wrapped her legs around his waist.  Derek captured her lips in a slow and sensual kiss as he carried her to the bathroom.  Placing her on her feet he started the shower and pulled his shirt of his head, never breaking eye contact.  Meredith smiled coyly and followed suit.  They both slowly rid themselves of their clothing and stepped into the shower.  Derek lifted her into his arms and she once again wrapped her legs around his waist and he kissed down her neck.

It didn’t matter to Derek that she once was a receptacle to other men or that she allowed herself to _be_ a receptacle.  She was still terrified of the depth of her feelings that she was slowly allowing herself to discover, but she now knew that she mattered to him as much as he mattered to her and for today, that was enough to make her leap.

_“At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale might be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important that it's happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in awhile, people may even take your breath away.”_


End file.
